Thinking about writing a fantasy book? Good news! Here are some quick guidelines:
1. If there is a vampire, by law there must
also be a werewolf. This is the golden rule of vampires.
2. Vampires smirk. A
lot. They may occasionally smile or brood, but don’t even think about writing a
vampire who doesn’t smirk.
3. There is always a princess. Or
an heiress or whatever the most important form of royalty is.
4. Supernatural creatures can do anything.
Make it up as you go along. Princess is trapped in a tower? Vampires can probably
levitate. Princess is mortally wounded? Fairy tears probably have healing
powers. Princess is ugly? Yeah, right.
5. Names must sound exotic and/or vaguely
biblical. When in doubt, throw a –ius or –io on the end of a name.
For women, use an uncommon flower, gem, bird, etc. (Oriole, Dandelion, Quartz,
etc.)
6. There is magic.
Don’t even think of writing a fantasy story without spells, curses, and magic.
It’s not fantasy if there’s no magic.
7. There is an evil magician.
He’s probably old, and he probably cackles a lot. Most likely he casts some
sort of spell on the princess in an attempt to take over the kingdom.
8. Time and location is unimportant. Are
you in medieval England, Hogwarts, or Middle Earth? Not important. Moving on.
9. Someone can fly.
This is useful for traveling long distances. Note: “someone” does not include
the princess. She can do nothing but be in peril.
10. Teleportation is a must. Travel
scenes are super boring. Teleportation is a useful device to skip that crap,
and it can also get your characters out of dangerous situations without any
logical explanation.
11. People wear cloaks.
Regardless of when or where the story takes place, people wear cloaks. It’s so
they can swirl them dramatically when they walk away.
12. There’s always crazy shit in forests.
Maybe the trees can talk, or maybe there’s an ancient race of people vaguely
reminiscent of Native American or ancient African tribes. Whatever the case,
some weird shit always goes down in forests.
