My brain is numb

My new book features many issues with misused words. Some are homophones, and some are slight misspellings or misplaced letters. And then some are just completely wrong. Here are a couple of the best ones I've come across. I'm going to update this one as I go, but seriously, you should probably read these now.

He was wearing a cut of shirt. I wonder if he's also wearing cut of shorts.

You're going to have to search the chicken coup. I really wish I could draw. This would be amazing. I assume the chicken coup happens in conjunction with gorilla warfare. 

I see you harassing any of those pour little freshman, you’ll have to answer to me. Seriously? How do you screw this one up?

There was a slight breeze blowing, rustling the lose strands of hay that tumbled along past her. People write loose when they mean lose quite frequently, but I really don't think I've ever seen it the other way around. Bizarre.

...he exclaimed, hoping up and down on the Skipper. You could probably hope up and down, right? I'm sure that means something.

With a team of amazing sculptures, we have constructed a representative figure of one of the most influential guardians. A whole bunch of statues helped make this. 

The man represented the principals of the guardians. Remember, guardians: a principal is your pal. 

Katie padded her brother’s back. For, like, a football game, or what?

She thought about it and shuttered. Oh, come on.

He looked out the window at the residence, walking to some sort of normalcy that this city tried to maintain. This whole section was so confusing it took me several sentences to realize it should be residents. Still doesn't really make sense, though, does it?

Within were skeletons draped in raged torn garb. The clothing was super pissed about the skeletons being dead.

Well, I don’t want to be squired. I'm going to squire some vegetables tonight and make kabobs. 

She turned and saw another huge gray rat with bucked teeth staring back at her. I'd try to draw this one, but I don't even know what bucked teeth would look like.

The head of the snake boar down. Snake boar? That sounds terrifying!

It will sound distant, like an echo, so make sure you extenuate your words. OK, now this is just getting ridiculous. Extenuate? Really?

She flayed, awkwardly flying across the deep crevice. Flailed? Splayed? No fucking clue.

She wore an elegant white toga, sandals, and a Loral wreath upon her crown. I'm pretty sure he meant Loreal. 

All data regarding its use was either deleted or never imputed into my memory. Need more impute! 

His expression was sullied. He had mud on his face? Or possibly he was just a big disgrace?

The laboratory was filled with beakers, measuring equipment, cauldrons, pots, potions, rabbits, containers of multi-colored liquids, and glass contraptions. I have no idea what the word should be, but rabbits can't possibly be right, can it?

He tiptoed through the woods with bent knees, pressing the ball of his foot down slowly, followed by his heal. I saw this one coming as soon as I read the word foot. Side note: why is he hopping on one foot?

The comment took her back. Back to where? The future? 

He had broad shoulders, well-defined muscles, and high-cheek bones. Perhaps this means his bones are very cheeky?

She watched his eyes dart, as if trying to think frantically. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he answered whimsically. This is another one where I have no idea what he means, but whimsically definitely is not the word he's looking for.

She pulled into their driveway, and slammed on the breaks. Yeah, saw this one coming.

The floor gave a shutter, and then descended. I know I've included one of these, but I really love the image of the floor giving a shutter. Does a shutter come out of the floor, or what?

It was the same symbol that she’d scene in the ancient pyramid. I just don't get paid enough for this.

She had a splint second to make a decision. Seriously, how is this book not over yet? 

He wore a black, perfectly starched uniform that was decorated with metals. Like molybdenum or tungsten? 

Now, give me the anecdote. Once upon a time...

An orange light glowed through the narrow windows, casting an eerie evanescence. OK, evanescence is defined as a vanishing away. So this almost makes sense. But the light glowing can't cast a vanishing away. Right? So this can't be the correct word. Right? Right?

Plot twist!

Ridiculous news:

She went back to a time when the room seemed much cleaner and more organized. 

So there's time travel.

Import and export of dryads is strictly forbidden on Earth. 

And there are aliens. 

This is getting ridiculous.

Another gem

Summer is busy time for writers, apparently. Or "writers," possibly. At any rate, after turning down the vampire atrocity, I was offered a book that comes from this genre:

murder mystery set in an unusual place with some what initially seems to be fantastic or fantasy creatures, until once learns in a simple style form the locals that others with powers based on technology beyond the main characters knowledge are really involved in what is going on.

So...humans from the future?

Also, I'm pretty sure I told my superiors that I wouldn't take any books from this specific genre. 

Here's the plot of this book from what we affectionately call the MMSIAUPWSWISTBFOFCUOLIASSFTLTOWPBOTBTMCKARIIWIGO genre:

ask for this separately I don't have one here now I WANT THE EDITING TO START

Yikes. I purposely sat on this one for a day before turning it down just to fuck with this guy.

Here's what he suggests for the interior of the book:

A FONT that has been used in fantasy and science fiction possibly scurlock

So your book is sci-fi/fantasy? Huh. That sounds a lot easier than MMSIAUPWSWISTBFOFCUOLIASSFTLTOWPBOTBTMCKARIIWIGO. Just saying.

Also, what the hell is scurlock? Is this a word I should know? I'm assuming he meant the font scurlock, which you can download for free here. Probably don't use this for an entire book. 

And finally, at the end of the questionnaire:

There is a roman background, romans translocated from earth.

In other words:

Humans from the future. 

A poem

I've rewritten Falcor's musings from yesterday as a free-verse poem. Enjoy. It's called will.

will

in will

will

will be as though he will go

you—later he

refer to "try"

try!

and you and you…

will you?

will you?

you will.

is not a great stopper

but you, Dragon—

hi to the words coming—

will.

Phantom Dragon!

I just got a new computer and immediately set Falcor up so we can reacquaint ourselves. When I put my headset down and walked away, this is what Falcor came up with all on his own:

Will in will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will be as though he will go you later he refer to try try and you and you will you will you you will is not a greater stopper but you Dragon hi to the words coming will

I have no idea what this means exactly, but it appears my speech recognition software has become sentient.

Falcor also resents being called "it." He prefers male pronouns.

This is terrifying.

Tic tac toe

I don't often get good books. That's no secret. But I'm pretty sure my new assignment gives me three in a row of complete, utter bullshit. Here are some highlights from the client questionnaire:

Provide a thorough summary of your book.

Sorry guy's can't summarize a very complex plot in under 30,000 words.

Great start. You can't write a summary of your own book. Well, here. Let me summarize it for you: another fucking vampire book.

Describe the specific tone, themes, and mood you would like your book to convey to readers.

OK, this is multi-faceted. Here's the partial list:

Light-hearted

Seriously tragic

Gothic

Intellectual

Awe-inspiring etc

There 

is tragic love, revenge, horrific brutality and triumph over extreme adversity. 

But wait! There's more! Characters will also be happy, sad, mad, mildly irritated, anxious, perplexed, sleepy, and constipated. And if you order in the next twenty minutes, you'll also get hungry, spicy, husky, throbbing, and smirk. 

Side note: I do love light-hearted horrific brutality.

To which books would you most like to see your work compared? Which author(s) in your genre do you admire?

Author Franz Kafka - the characters in my book are subject to unpredictable horror and tragedy.

Kafka?! You're comparing yourself to fucking Kafka?

Describe your target audience by factors such as age group, interests, education, gender, etc. 

Vampire fans. Millennials (18 - 30 y.o.) Fans of Twilight. The book may possibly turn out to be very popular among girls/women as strong, intelligent women are integral to the plot.

Clearly this author is male. I can't wait to read what he thinks a "strong, intelligent woman" looks like.

Is there a rule you would like for your editor to disregard because you have purposefully gone against convention in your manuscript?

If a sentence which is grammatically incorrect, it's most likely because I intended it that way because the grammatically correct version would seem stilted.

I have intentionally omitted many commas to maintain good flow. I've used apostrophes to keep the readers' flow.

Read that first sentence again. So you're telling me that would have sounded stilted if you'd written it so it actually made sense?

I also assume the use of "guy's" in the summary question is to "keep the readers' flow." 

Or perhaps this guy is a fucking moron. Grammar does not bend to your will, asshole.

What sets your book apart?

There are too many ways to spoil plot twists in this book - there are a lot of plot twists.

I'll bet there's a werewolf. In vampire books, "plot twist" always means there's a werewolf.

What aspects of your writing are unique and define you as an author?

I want them to actually THINK about things sometimes. I also want them to have to look up the meaning of a word - like we did in the old days.

You know what millennials love? Being talked down to. I'm seriously loving it right now. That's right, asshat. Your editor is a milennial. Plot twist!

Description by omission

I guess I can  understand now why this author does all her descriptions in place of pronouns rather than as part of the narrative. Check this out:

"This must be important to you," he said, not unkindly.

Um, that's not actually a description. That's like if someone said, "What do you look like?" and I replied, "Well, I don't have black hair, my eyes aren't yellow, and I'm certainly not a narwhal." I'm pretty sure a sketch artist would have a hell of a time figuring out what I look like from that description.

Ew.

It seems bad writers really like to write about sex, which means I've edited a lot of really bad sex scenes. Usually it's just a bunch of talk about manhoods and womanhoods and throbbing members and speaking huskily to one another. That left me with a lot of hope for this book, in which there are no manhooods or throbbing members. But this author really just takes the ick to another level. I'm not sure if it's the use of passive voice or the omission of most pronouns or possibly just the awful choice of words, but this has to be the most disgusting sex scene I've ever read. I'd like to just include the entire thing, but that's probably rude or illegal or something. So here are some highlights:

She feasted on her neck. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. I've read plenty of vampire romance novels that use the same terminology. But the fact that the author must say feasted when what she probably means is kissed or potentially sucked is pretty much a bad sign of things to come.

Two deep pools of want urging her on. There is no indication what body part this refers to. While I assume it means her eyes, for some reason it reminds me of my high school softball coach telling us we were swimming in the cesspool of mediocrity. I assume a deep pool of want is much like a cesspool of mediocrity.

She worshipped both breasts. Again, word choice. This makes me think she was probably chanting "We're not worthy" and doing the whole Wayne's World thing.

A soft mound. Apparently this means her breast. Yeah, I was surprised too.

Cupped her mound. Apparently this does not mean her breast. So it turns out mound can refer to any slight protrusion on the body. No word on if this is unisex or not.

She deposited her precious load on the bed. This is a lesbian sex scene. There will be no depositing of loads.

She was deposited tenderly on the bed. Oh, so we're going to stick with that one, huh?

The CEO felt a hand slither around her thigh. Slither? 

The buttock was cupped firmly. See, passive is just weird here. Also, buttock is about the least sexy term ever, especially when used in the singular.

Using her hands to mold and massage buttocks on her journey. See? Really not sexy. Also, whose buttocks? The idea of disembodied buttocks is even less sexy.

Questing fingers found their sensitive target. Whose fingers? And are those adjectives really necessary? 

Engorged bundle of nerves. Ugh, I take it back. There is a less sexy term than buttock. Also, fun fact: nerves and blood vessels are two different things.

Viscose-like moisture. Ew. Just ew. Also, viscous is totally a word.

Her lover’s folds were glistening with her desire. Seriously, is there no other way to put this that doesn't sound disgusting?

Between the blonde’s folds. Nope. Folds is just inherently a gross word.

She slid her fingertip into her warmth. This might be worse than folds. OK, maybe not, but still. Ew.

She plunged slowly. I get what she's saying here, but I just feel like the lack of manhood could have meant the avoidance of words like plunged.

Feeling the tight canal. A man. A plan. A canal. Panama. Oh, except there's no man. And canal is not a word I will be able to use in civilized conversation again.

Without releasing her delicious treat from her mouth. I have no idea what this refers to, but for sure some body part currently in my possession is being compared to a headless rodent or possibly one of those Beggin' Strips things.

This irresistible treat. Why does she keep using the word treat? What does that even mean? 

This heavenly task. Stop with the adjectives! They're weird. And for some reason the repeated use of the word this really freaks me out too.

Drank in the taste of her lover’s liquid heat. 

So anyway, that's my day. How are you?

How to be descriptive

Here's a fantastic example of how to write emotions*:

Anger, agony, shame, hope, and finally devastation came across the weary face.

Because listing generic emotions totally convinces me of what the character is feeling and paints a vivid mental picture of how this particular character demonstrates these emotions.

*This is sarcasm. This is actually a hideously awful example.

I seriously want to reach through my computer screen and punch someone

The tall woman grinned at the sheepish grin the blonde gave her.

No, really. That's a real line I just read.

I should be laughing...

This should be funny to me, but I just feel sort of empty inside. Perhaps I've become desensitized. 

“Great!” the bouncy tower of womanhood grinned.

Honestly, I was more frustrated by the fact that grinned is not actually a speaker tag. It's like the words bouncy tower of womanhood don't even faze me anymore.

Synonyms for said

Smirked is not a synonym for said. Nor is grinned, smiled, or winked. You cannot smirk, grin, smile, or wink a word. Go ahead. Try it.

And no, "But Stephenie Meyer did it," is not ever a valid reason for anything. Ever.

Dashed hopes

Whenever I get a new project, I get this little rush of excitement. Maybe this will be a good one! Maybe this time I won't get mad and scream at the computer monitor for two weeks straight! Then when I read the client questionnaire and it's written in complete sentences and includes legitimate questions and concerns about the book, I get even more excited.

And then I open the file and briefly scroll to a couple of different pages throughout the book, just to get an idea of what I'm looking at.

That, my friends, is when my hopes are dashed on the rocks like a thing that is dashed on a different, harder thing.

A very basic first glance of this one includes one of the characters being referred to as:

the tall woman
the brunette
the CEO
the six-foot-tall woman
the brave woman

Yes, I now know that my main character is female, brunette, six feet tall, and the CEO of some company.

I also know I'm going to hate this book, as it's likely written by someone who thinks she can write because she owns every Dan Brown book.

The editor's excitement had faded like color fading from an old photograph that once had color in it.