Anti-humanity

Today's nutjob is going on and on about how universal healthcare is anti-humanity. This is because it's communist, and communism never works. For example, China. Communism is anti-humanity. A free market economy is the only fair way. Here's his logic:


I use the analogy that 100 of us were in a plane that went down, and we landed on a deserted island and started society all over. Somebody went out and built a water supply so we didn’t have to walk to the mountains, and somebody built a coconut husker for everyone to use.


Right. Because living in a collective civilization where everyone performs tasks for the good of the community and everyone benefits from everyone else's skills rather than using a concept of money to determine the most important skills is totally what your free market economy is all about. 


I just can't deal with stupid people sometimes. 

Is that really how you want to phrase that?

I'm editing for a husband and wife with a construction contracting business. The husband had this to say:


There’s just something magical when somebody takes what you’ve done for them and you give them something and they swallow. When they swallow, that means they accept.


And the response from the wife:


I also think that is a really nice way to say to people, “Thank you for your business.”


Yeah... 

A thriving business

A supposedly successful businessperson had this to say about the importance of a customer database:

You want to have a database where you have your customer’s contact information.

Apparently she has built her business by creating a database entirely dedicated to one customer. Brilliant business strategy.

Guess what?

One of the things I do is I take recorded interviews that someone has transcribed and turn them into articles for magazines and ezines. A magazine article needs to read like a magzine article, not like a conversation. The point is to get the information across in a neat and concise manner that doesn't sound like you're talking to your best friend on the phone.

I've probably brought this one up before because it drives me nuts. "Guess what" is not a question. It is a command. Just think about it. You're telling someone to do something. You want them to guess. You are not asking them to guess. If you were, this sentence would be constructed differently. It would be something like, "Can you guess what?" That sounds dumb too. This whole thing is dumb. "Guess what" is a filler that people use to bring attention to something else. It's completely unnecessary in written language. "I turned on my iPod, and guess what. A OneRepublic song was first again." See how stupid that looks in writing? That's because it is stupid. Don't type it.

Along the same lines is "You know what?" This is actually a question, so at least there's that. However, it's not a complete sentence. If you think about it, this sentence really doesn't make any sense. What you're really trying to say is, "Do you know what?" However, this is irrelevant because of the aforementioned reasons. This is a filler. It is not ever important to the rest of the written information. "You know what? I think I will become a shrimp boat captain." "I'm not watching the Braves game today because you know what? They're not playing." See how this is exactly the same as "guess what"? It is.

Do not transcribe this. Ever. Do not write this. Ever. It is unprofessional and annoying, and guess what. It pisses editors off.

Boringest week ever

I don't know if it's because I'm totally exhausted and can't formulate a complete thought, but this has been the boringest week ever. There have been no funny typos or grammatical errors, and nothing I've edited has even been interesting. Even the super-crackpot was boring. Come on, world. Could you try a little harder for me, please?

Excited girlish squeal!

On the docket for tomorrow: craziest of the crazy. Here's an excerpt from a previous transcript:

The best thing I could recommend is to go to The Flu Case website. They have all the documents. It would take us hours to go over all the proof behind this and show all the links between the companies and everything. They’ve written up an affidavit and actually filed it in US courts. What I would do is get that information and take it to your local sheriff’s department or government.

Give that to them because, without a doubt, it’s 100% proof. All of the links are there that this vaccine was purposely developed. It’s contaminated. There are factors as far as population control in there. By spreading this to the local departments in your area, you educate them about it. They’re getting calls from the federal government saying, “It’s time for you to act. It’s time for you to quarantine.

“It’s time for you to make sure and go door by door, knock on everybody’s door and say, ‘Have you had a vaccine? Let me see your bracelet.’” If you don’t show it they hold you down and stick a vaccine in you. Those individuals need to be educated, so the best thing that you can do, in my opinion and in most of the people’s opinion out there, is to talk to and to provide the local authorities all this information.

If for some reason I got stopped and they said, “You don’t have the wristband on. Have you had the vaccination?” I would probably just say I’d had it and didn’t know where my wristband was. If they forced me to get it, I would probably still refuse to get it, and then they would load me up in the bus and take me to a concentration camp, and they’d probably just hold me down and stab me anyway.

Yes, this guy is for real.

You know this is going to be good

When the interview you're editing starts out like this:


Today I am thrilled to be speaking with Sheila and THEO, the 12 archangels for whom Sheila is a channel


you know it's going to be a good day.  

I'm not always so negative

This was just too funny not to post. There's nothing grammatically relevant about it. I just see so many horrible news blurbs on Facebook that something like this was a welcome change:


SHEAR THE BEARD: As we close our series against the Giants, we're giving fans FREE haircuts and beard trimming tonight at Turner Field...seriously! Offer valid for Tim Lincecum and Brian Wilson as well

Commas are hard

Today's fun is from Madison.com. That's right. The Madison newspaper website. This likely was in a print article that went out to millions of people. Or at least 10. Whatever the case, these people claim to be real journalists who write shit for a living.

The thing about Owl Creek, it was brand new.


What the hell? This is not a complete sentence. What the hell is that comma doing there? You can't just substitute commas for words whenever you feel like it. That's not how sentences work. Do you see how this sounds stupid? Perhaps that should have been your first indication that something was wrong.

There are two acceptable responses to remedy this situation. The first one is fucking obvious:

The thing about Owl Creek is it was brand new.


See how that's a sentence? Isn't that neat how I did that? It's not magic. If you can't figure out the word "is," I'm very concerned for you.

Here's the other option:

The thing about Owl Creek: it was brand new.


Do you notice how I used a colon there instead of a comma? That's because using a comma is wrong. The colon indicates you're setting the reader up for something. What is the thing about Owl Creek? Intrigue and suspense! This is the purpose of the colon. A comma makes no fucking sense.

This was the opening line of an article. Seriously. That means this person probably read this sentence a million times and still found it acceptable. And that makes me sad.

Word creation

Today's fun is an extremely unprofessional interview with a young man who apparently has made a lot of money in business. I'm embarrassed for my age group. 


The hype of all these product launches is kind of losing its guster.


Oh god no! It's losing its guster? 

Guster - One Man Wrecking Machine (Official Music Video). Guster

What ever will we do?

Why is it always the sad articles?

Why do the news people always fuck up the worst articles? It's always the ones about dead people that end up having the worst offenses. This one isn't a grammar issue but just a stupidity issue:


Madison police Sgt. Bernie Gonzales said the man had been drinking with friends and went swimming about 40 to 50 feet from shore near North Henry Street. Friends soon noticed him missing and called 911. Alcohol is a possible factor, Gonzales said. 

Alcohol is a possible factor? You just said he was drinking with friends and then tried to go swimming. A possible factor? Brilliant detective work, guys.

That would be clever...

These nutjobs I work for often claim to be doctors of holistic medicine. Except a lot of them instead say they're doctors of "wholistic" medicine. Get it? Because they're dealing with the whole body, so they're not just holistic doctors. They're wholistic doctors.


Thanks to Merriam & Webster, here's the definition of "holistic":


relating to or concerned with wholes or with complete systems rather than with the analysis of, treatment of, or dissection into parts <holistic medicine attempts to treat both the mind and the body>


Riiiight. So it's really super clever to say "wholistic" when "holistic" is the real word that means the same word and is pronounced the same way. 


Although, to be fair, they are nutjobs, and there are far more entertaining things I should be making fun of them about.

Her and me

This is actually one of those ones people really struggle with, but it's not so tough once you figure it out.


Her and my grandfather were married for 50-some years.


First of all, you know it's wrong because it breaks my Golden Rule of Editing: if it sounds stupid, it's probably wrong. This sounds decidedly stupid.


A good way to check this one out is that in this sentence, it's essentially saying that two different people performed the same event. You could then break this sentence apart to say:


Her was married for 50-some years.
My grandfather was married for 50-some years.


You're saying the same thing. It's just rather verbose. It also illuminates the problem with this sentence. Her was married? Huh? This sounds like it's some kind of backwoods hick talking. "Her was my best sister-daughter."


So instead, put in a word that makes sense, like so:


She and my grandfather were married for 50-some years.


Doesn't that sound better?

Recap: Important Stuff

Okay, I'm going to stop you here. You with me?

Here's the deal:

People are "who," not "that." 

It's "try to," not "try and."

Got it? Okay, good. We're going to move ahead.

Certifiable

From the background info on a current client:


I discovered a research-based program called Processing and Cognitive Enhancement (PACE) and became certified as a provider and trainer.


So you made something up and then certified yourself in it? You can do that? Wow! I'm totally going to go certify myself in a bunch of bullshit so I sound more credible. 

Word order is a complex concept

Yet another example of word order malfunction:

She read the tags to me inside the sweater.

Ummmmm...what were you two doing inside that sweater together?

There's that iceberg thing again

What's with the iceberg analogies? 

As we all know, an iceberg has about 10% that’s visible above the surface. The smallest part is visible above the surface. The vast 90% or 95% is below the surface. It’s hidden. You can’t see it. Science has shown that it is exactly like that with the human mind.

Who has 10% of their mind showing? Because they should probably get that looked at.

Also, if 10% is visible and 95% is hidden...oh my god! I found the missing 5% from that other guy!

It's funny because it's true

I like this guy. He's funny, and he totally doesn't seem like an asshole. I was watching this and at around 1:45 I started saying, "Please don't prove me wrong. Please don't prove me wrong." I was satisfied with the outcome.

Jokes.com
Donald Glover - Crazy Stories
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jokes Joke of the Day Funny Jokes

It's not funny. This kind of stuff really happens all the time. But I love that he just addresses it as fact. I mean, we all know this happens. Why pretend otherwise? Plus, the way he talks, it sounds ridiculously stupid that anyone would ever do that (which it is). Seriously, think about it.

So guys, would you please stop doing stupid shit like killing your estranged wives or girlfriends? Come on. Where's the challenge in that? If you're going to kill stuff, go for ninjas or bears or something like that. That's what Brian Wilson would do.

Exotic, faraway lands

Groupon really needs to work on their marketing.


The subject line for the email was: 


Your Getaways: Montreal, Wisconsin, Iowa, and More


Yes, folks. You too could travel all the way to exotic Wisconsin!

My new mantra

Words to live by:

The story of Beyonce the giant metal chicken can be found at The Bloggess' website.