Screw this

I work with crackpots. This is well-known if you read this blog. A lot of these crackpots are stuck on this Law of Attraction and crap, that if you just visualize and believe, you can have whatever you want. I find this to be bullshit on many levels. Whenever someone keeps assuring you that there's scientific proof but never actually states it, that means it's bullshit.

Anyway, I'm working away, and these crackpots are talking about living your passion and doing your life purpose. You should do what you love to do because that's what you were put here to do. I sincerely want to send their transcript back half-edited and tell them, "Sorry. I couldn't finish this because this is not in alignment with who I am, so instead of doing the work you hired me for, I went to do my life purpose."

Think that would fly?

Bad Romance

I was at Barnes & Noble this weekend picking up the newest Sarah Dessen book when this caught my eye: front and center on the Teen Romance display was the book Dreamland (same author). 

Um, Dreamland is about a chick in an abusive relationship. I can't decide if that's funny or just really sad. 

Oh, tenses

From an article I'm editing:


in the present tense as if it’s already happened.


Back to English 101!

More cynicism

From today's crackpot:


What you focus on, you attract into your life. There are thoughts you hold dear to you and you say and think over and over. Whatever thought is held repeatedly with strong emotion will tend to manifest. Whatever you’re thinking most of the time is what tends to manifest in your life. 


Do you hear that, anorexics? You're gonna get fat.

This headline is not okay with me

Mather marshals Braves past Angels in 12th

Girl humor

Funniest product name/description ever (no, they are not actually cupcakes):


Cleavage Cupcakes Just Like Homemade

Stop your wining!

From the article I'm working on about marketing a restaurant:


They’re going to feel obligated so they’re going to buy a nice bottle of whine

Goldilocks?

What does this say about me?

Crackpot "Doctor": The liver is like the Goldilocks of the body.
Me: It sneaks around stealing stuff that doesn't belong to it?
Crackpot "Doctor": It doesn't like to be too hot or too cold. It wants to be just right.

This was a totally instinctual reaction. Apparently some of us learn different lessons from our fairy tales.

Who's the better hitter?

I'm going to take a rest from hating on grammar abusers for a day to talk to you about a little thing called baseball. Specifically, my beloved Atlanta Braves and an analysis of their hitting prowess. Check out the stances on the hitters in these two pictures from the Braves' website this morning:

ATL@ARI: Freeman lines a double to right

ATL@ARI: McCann hits a double to center in the ninth

On the left we have rookie first baseman Freddie Freeman. On the right we have eight billion-time All Star catcher Brian McCann. These pictures brilliantly illustrate why Brian McCann is a much better hitter than Freddie Freeman (currently, at least).

Eternal sunshine

If I got to erase one thing from my memory, I would definitely choose "Once Upon A Mattress."

His name isn't important

In school we were taught that names should always be offset by commas:

My boyfriend, Paul, and I went to the store.

The logic is that "my boyfriend" and "Paul" refer to the same person, so "Paul" is extraneous and therefore should be offset by commas. We already know that we use commas to offset extraneous information in a sentence, so this logic is flawless.

Here's the problem: what if I have more than one boyfriend?

Unforgivable sins

When I'm editing, there are a couple of unforgivable sins. These are things that make me scream and curse and would make me fire these people if they were my employees. These things are worse than misusing commas, worse than not running spellcheck, and worse than riddling your shitty writing with semicolons and fake em dashes. Here are the unforgivable sins:

I must have this

So nerdy

Rimsky-Korsakoffee. Get it? 

Sound medical advice

I work for some nutjobs, and that might be putting it nicely. "Alternative medicine" is definitely important, and a lot of times it can be very helpful in treating some maladies. And there are definitely a lot of toxins in the environment and in common products that people use or ingest. No arguments there. 

Here's where you lose me:

In fact, research from Stanford Medical School says that the only way you can ever get a disease is if you are under stress. If you are not under stress, you can’t get sick.

Ha! Take that, AIDS! I can have all the unprotected sex I want as long as I’m not stressed out! Kickass!

Fun with pronouns!

It's our pals at NBC again! Here's a teaser for a news story tonight:

He's accused of killing her son and mother in a crash. But the suspect just wheeled himself away from the hospital.

I have no idea what this is talking about. Who is "her"? Perhaps that's the point of the teaser: to make no sense so we'll have to watch to figure out what the hell they're talking about.

Fill in the blank

My transcriptionist couldn't figure out the word that goes in the blank. What do you think it should be?

I would love to say to you that you’ve always got to have a special ___ on the envelope. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. There are times when having a message on the envelope works really well.

I should get paid extra for things like this.

From one of the pieces I edited today (an advertisement for a Renaissance dance):


Let yourself entrained in one Pavane dance or a Gaillarde dance accompanied with the sound of the lute.
Waffles in abundance: 


Yay waffles!

Makeup mistakes

From the Sephora website (Make Up For Ever):

Burgandy 18L (deep burgandy sheen)

Usually burgundy is spelled with a U. Just sayin'.

Also, this is definitely all Sephora:

The buildable formula let's you control coverage, with a satin finish.

Sephora is a very profitable company. You'd think they could afford to hire an editor. Or at least someone who could use spellcheck.