Gets me every time

I see this one a lot, and you'd think it would get old, but it just never does.

Gorilla Marketing

I really wish I could draw so I could create a little picture of a gorilla doing marketing activities. Because that would be funny. So imagine that for me, okay?

Today's book

You know it's going to be a great book when it has an Epilouge. Especially when the book is nonfiction, which means it probably shouldn't have either an epilogue or an epilouge. Here are a couple other choice awesomnesses:

He threw his right leg as he slowly walked to his seat on the bench and thought pensively.

This is a great mental picture. I hope it was a peg leg. Also, I'd be interested in knowing at what time his thinking was not pensive.

After the UCLA win, the Cats had a lot of confidence going into the USC game from the UCLA game.

This is how the book is written. Sentences circle around each other until we all get very dizzy.

I have the upmost respect for him.

Right. This respect is definitely the most up.

This book also speaks in awesome sports cliches. The interesting thing about these cliches is that while they sound lame when you say them, they sound downright stupid when you read or write them. Observe:

He knew how to take the ball to the hoop.

So let me get this straight. The recruiting strategy was to find high schoolers who understood how to take a ball to a hoop. That really narrows it down.

He was a player.

Yes, I'm sure the young man on the court wearing your team's jersey was a player. But was he a good player? That remains to be seen.

Sidenote: I looked up "threw his leg" to try to figure out if this was something I simply didn't understand. The first hit was the Wikipedia page for Bill Buckner.

Google for the win.

My organizational skills

I've been working on putting my book in order, which is an obnoxiously difficult and anxiety-producing task. Here are the current piles I have:

Stuff I probably won't use
Stuff I might use
Flashbacks I once liked but now am unsure about
An early scene
Short little scenes that could go at the beginning
Stuff that should go somewhere
[blank post-it note]
ALL (obviously)
Late stuff
Stuff

It's a good thing I'm so organized or this would be really difficult.

A Facebook status

I know Facebook isn't really fair game because nobody uses their best grammar/spelling/intelligence there. However, sometimes I long for a perfect world in which news organizations can construct logical sentences to make simple status updates. Take this, for example:

Here is a reminder to be safe when out hunting. It is day two and one injury has been reported. On Saturday, the Grant County Sheriff's Department says a hunter accidentally fired a shot into palm of hand. Police say was seat in an elevated ladder stand. He was loading his .45 semi-automatic handgun, when the gun discharged striking him in the palm of his left hand.

This is five sentences. Just five. Again, I realize it is unrealistic to expect journalists to be able to construct five consecutive sentences. And the first two sentences are fine. But then this happens:

On Saturday, the Grant County Sheriff's Department says a hunter accidentally fired a shot into palm of hand.

OK, I'll admit the capitalization here is impressive. I've made fun of our local NBC affiliate for that before. But nice job. However, halfway through this sentence they seem to have forgotten to turn their notes into complete sentences. "Fired a shot into palm of hand"? Possibly this is a traditional journalistic technique in this situation. To be fair, I'm not a journalist, so I may not know these things. 

Police say was seat in an elevated ladder stand.

Again, I realize this is a Facebook update, and I should really not be so hard on journalists. But it would just be so awesome if people who got paid to write or speak for a living could construct complete sentences. 

He was loading his .45 semi-automatic handgun, when the gun discharged striking him in the palm of his left hand.

I'm going to pretend that comma is after the word "discharged" instead.

Hey, local NBC affiliate. Good news! If you were playing baseball, your .400 sentence structure completion average would be awesome!

No work...

Not having work is the bane of the independent contractor's existence. I'll have several months where I'm so swamped I don't have time for anything but work, and then I'll get this bullshit where I have nothing. This is why, while my job is awesome, it also sucks. I enjoy being able to pay my bills.

But anyway, enough of that. Today's lack of work brings me to an important point:

Why is Adam Levine the Sexiest Man Alive (TM or whatever), and why do I want to punch him in the face? Seriously, this bothers me. I know very little about him as a person except that one time he told some reporters to shut up about Christina Aguilera's weight already, which is sort of awesome. I mean, sure his band makes terrible, awful music, but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason to want to punch someone in the face. I can only assume he looks like someone who wronged me, possibly in a past life.

Also possible: one of us is a horrible person.

Falcor translation of the day

"before we"= Buffalo

Specifically the city, not the animal. Odd.

This is what I do all day

My day:

I want to thank you for purchasing this book, or if you are a borrower, I want to thank you for taking the time to read it, or if it's an audiobook to listen. 

Or if it's being read to you, to listen, or if you bought it with the idea of returning it, to read it, or if you bought the audiobook with the idea of returning it, to listen, or if you borrowed it from a friend but intend to keep it, to read it, or if you borrowed the audiobook from a friend with the intent to keep it, to listen. Or if you found it on the ground and are illiterate, for staring blankly at the pages. Or if you found the audiobook on the ground and have no ears, for doing whatever you're doing with it.

They may not be problems at all. They may just be problematic.

Um...

In looking at the bigger picture we ask, to what extent does our personal heritage, physical and social environment juxtaposed the personal experiences and exposures thereof have impact on our condition and how might these alterations effect our program for future life events?

This is absolutely not a sentence. Next!

Comparisons, albeit simplistic, have been made between computer hardware/software and the cortex, while the limbic system, which is more chemical in nature, has been referred to as the emotional part of the brain.

So the cortex is the computer hardware and software and the limbic system is the emotional part of the computer? I don't think so, Angie.

Historically, it will be shown that...

Wait, future tense in the past?

Einstein, who worked from thought experiments from imagining these theories that was subsequently translated into mathematical equations.

Ack! You can't just put words next to each other and call it a sentence!

Perhaps to the layperson this is not an important question.

Good job. Way to alienate your stated target audience with your condescending air of importance.

In fact, endocrinologists may not even be notified!

For the love of god, somebody notify the endocrinologists! 

The Amygdala  Please note this is a subtopic under the Limbic System

Noted. Now what exactly do you expect me to do with your note?

DNA is probably a key component of who we are.

Probably? That suggests that possibly DNA is not a key component of who we are. I challenge you to exist without DNA. Go ahead. Do it.

By and large people, who are born devoid of vision, have a stronger degree of sensitivity.

You don't always need to put a comma before "who." Here you are stating that people are born devoid of vision. Or at least by and large people. I'm not sure what by people are, but I know some large people who were not born devoid of vision. Perhaps you should rethink your sentence construction.

[My blind friend] could enter a funeral chapel and know that a great deal of sadness was present.

Oh my god! It's like he's psychic! How could anyone possibly know that a funeral would involve sad people?!

I have created a brief questionnaire whereby we can look at some key questions from which we can judge our own positions.

OK, this is just getting tedious. Obviously the questionnaire contains questions. You're just padding your book with repetitive and irritating language.

Within a world of cooperation and positive effort, events are part and a healthy perspective, addressed and completed.

At this point I am unsure if I just don't understand things because my brain is numb or if that really makes as little sense as it seems.

There is a desire to want to be like such a person.

I really wish I wanted to be like that person. But apparently I do not have the desire to want to do it.

It is also important to note that situations and conditions are not inherently positive or negative. 

And another guy tries to make the point that we should view rape as a positive situation. Because sure.

These processes of assimilation and accommodation are a necessary process for forward movement.

The processes are a necessary process. Sigh.

When one recognizes that human beings are highly singular, complex human beings 

I'm not going to keep pointing these out because it's just depressing.

We will be looking at case studies that may be composites of different people with similar diagnoses 

Does this "psychologist" understand what a case study is? It's a study of a case. If it's a composite of many cases, that's not a case study. 

Thus, rather than working with the Darwinian model of evolution, our presence as well as that of all species may have evolved from particular space rocks that landed at particular sites. 

And this is where you lose me, folks. This person does not believe in evolution not because of creationism but because we actually evolved from space rocks. 

Good night, everybody!

You are not clever

"Microcosm of the macrocosm" is not a clever phrase. You are not clever for saying it. By definition of the words, a microcosm is a small, representative universe, while a macrocosm is the universe. Saying "microcosm" is exactly the same thing as saying "microcosm of the macrocosm." It is not clever. It is wordy and redundant.

The end.

Here we go again

Client questionnaires are so telling. This new author has this to say about stylistic preferences:

At this point, I do not at this point has any stylistic preferences other than those that have been stated within the MS.

This author is allegedly intelligent and well-educated yet managed to spit this out. Great.

Meese

Today we're going to talk about mousse. Also moose. See how those words sound the same but don't mean the same thing? Here's a video to illustrate:

For some reason people have a lot of problems with this one. I very often read about chocolate moose, which makes me want to leave any comments for the author in fake Swedish. However, lately I've come across these two as well:

She sat down to do her hair, adding moose to the top.

This sounds very painful to me. It's also probably not a good strategy in terms of hair.

They topped it off with a chocolate mouse unlike any they had ever had.

Of course, this could be said of any chocolate mouse. I hope. Or perhaps the chocolate mouse is a cake topper or something. I'm not sure that's less weird.

At any rate, I'm pretty sure today's lesson is not to cover animals in chocolate. Have a good weekend.

Fun with Falcor

I have a thing for text-voice software. It started when I was a kid and we had Davidson's Kidworks (the creativity kit that writes, paints, and talks). You could program it if it didn't say words correctly, so of course I programmed it so it never said my sister's name correctly. I also programmed it to put the emphasis on the second syllable of "decade" and then typed JFK's moon landing speech. You get the idea.

Anyway, my new software is called Dragon, and I love it. I can dictate while I'm doing something else instead of having to type everything. This is really only useful for writing, but I do that a lot, so it's awesome. Naturally, I named my Dragon software Falcor. 

Falcor is my personal software. It doesn't work too well when my husband uses it, but it gets me. Mostly. For example, it can't seem to figure out the word "stocking." Apparently I need to really over emphasize the L to get it to type "stalking." Stocking stocking stocking stalking stalking stalking stalking. Anyway, we seem to have figured it out now. Stalking. Good job with that one, Falcor.

I also have the problem that I instinctively thank Falcor any time he follows one of my commands. I'm going to have to go through my writing and delete all those extra thank yous.

Sometimes Falcor also puts in random words when I say nothing. Things like "Hebert," "homework," and "all" have randomly shown up. I do not know why he thinks I would have said "Hebert." This is puzzling to me.

And sometimes I just have no idea where he got his information from because I absolutely did not say "terrific in his face." In any context. And I have no idea what that could translate to. I asked him what the hell that was supposed to mean, but talking to Falcor is kind of like talking to a small child.

Unfortunately, now I'm going to always imagine Falcor with the expression in that picture. And it's fucking creepy. Imagine that saying in a high-pitched voice, "I don't think so, Angie." Nightmare fuel.

Even my own notes ridicule me

Here's another glimpse into my brain. Apparently I wrote this note for myself when I was working on my book yesterday (writing, not editing):

I will have to figure out if she tries to trap him or just tries to get him to tell her the truth. If they have to prove he’s guilty, she would almost have to get a confession. So then the play’s the thing, etc. 

Yes, I'm making fun of myself by quoting Shakespeare. This seems to show both my nerdiness and insecurity quite well. Even my own notes ridicule me. 

I'm horrible.

Girl 8 Dies in Accident.

Not Girl 8! She was my favorite girl! So much better than Girl 7 and Girl 6!

Introductions

Some writers use cover letters, but at my place of employment we have questionnaires we make each author fill out before we edit their book. I can usually tell what I'm getting myself into by whether or not the author can coherently fill out the questionnaire. Sometimes, however, they trick me.

My new book is about cats. Yes, cats. The questionnaire was painfully long and detailed, with questions about marketability and in-depth plot and character analysis. Sounds promising.

The author does not write in paragraphs. It's all one long paragraph with some random spaces in there to break it up every once in a while. She's worried about marketing her book when she doesn't even know what a paragraph is.

Good lord this one is going to try my patience.

Pronouns? The cranky blogger thinks not!

Here's a list of some of the terms used instead of "he" to describe just the main character of the book I just finished editing. Just the main character. And just before I got bored of copying and pasting all of these. Enjoy!

Aviator

Flyer

Pilot

Salty Flyer

Young aviator

Student aviator

Promising student

Graying officer

Confident flyer

Navy fighter pilot

Nascent aviator

Salty sailor

Naval officer

California native

Fighter

Senior officer

Senior flyer

Junior pilot

Junior officer

Senior reserve officer

Navy officer

Relieved pilot

Young officer

Wolfie

Former aviator

Officer

Neophyte aviator

Former pilot

Navy reserve officer

Usually confident flyer

Part-time navy reservist

Full-time civilian attorney

Captain

Resurrected bachelor

Suddenly sheepish gentleman

Reserve officer

Most senior reserve officer in the state

Twenty-five-year-old pilot

Forty-four-year-old former pilot

Perpetual bachelor

Soon-to-be fighter pilot

Partygoer

Nervous pilot

Promising fighter pilot

Astutely diplomatic pilot

Newly anointed Tomcat carrier pilot

Usually confident officer

Experienced aviator

Young lieutenant

New shell-back

Things you shouldn't write about

For the next two hours, he was subjected to obstacles and behavior only described as indescribable.

Seriously? Do you not understand how stupid that sounds? You're writing a book. If you can't describe the stuff you're writing about, probably you should consider not writing a book. Or at least pretend you can describe it and use stupid and offensive analogies.

Like a what now?

Came across this stunner in my newest book:

The plane streaked upward like a raped ape.

Okay, now this guy seriously has problems with similes. I knew that already. It's like he just chooses random things and sticks them together with the word "like" in there. They usually make little to no sense.

But what the hell is this? Is this a thing?

Well, according to Urban Dictionary, a "raped ape" is something that goes wicked freakin fast. So apparently this is something people say. No, really. Someone must say it.

Which brings me to my next question. Wait. What?

I can only hope this is exclusive to whatever lovely neighborhood in Boston that Urban Dictionary entry came from.

And no, this is not one of those things that will be really funny to say to me the next time you see me. Do not say it. Ever. In fact, forget about this post altogether.

Little did he know...

In the movie Stranger Than Fiction, the literature professor (Dustin Hoffman) says, "I've written papers on 'little did he know.' I've taught classes on 'little did he know.' I once gave an entire seminar based upon 'little did he know.'"

Now. Lest you were thinking this was serious and you should actually use this phrase, let's remember three things:

1. This movie stars Will Ferrell.
2. In this movie, Will Ferrell brings flours to a girl who works at a bakery.
3. Dustin Hoffman is both Captain Hook and an excellent driver.

You should probably have stopped reading after my first point there, which should have been enough to convince you.

"Little did he know" is basically the epitome of bad writing. Please don't do it. Please. You might as well just write, "HEY EVERYBODY, I'M ABOUT TO FORESHADOW!" It would be about as subtle.

True story

When I started college I had no money. But my mom's company was getting rid of all their old computer equipment, so I found myself with a bright, shiny, new...okay, it was none of those things. It was a 1990 Toshiba laptop. Yeah, just think about that. When this computer was made, the Soviet Union still existed. I was probably not even in elementary school yet. It was ancient. I had no idea they even made laptops back then.

Anyway, the laptop was that grayish-beige color that computers all used to be, and it actually wasn't very big at all. Maybe 14 or 15 inches? It was very square and had no internal memory whatsoever. You had to use the external disk drive (which was revolutionary in that it took 3.5-inch disks) to even get it to work. But again, I was young and poor, so I was totally cool using it.

Here's where the real problem came in. Seriously, it worked okay, and I could have probably made it through college with that and the computer lab, but there was one major flaw that popped up before I could even type one paper on it:

Instead of typing a it typed ax. Every time. No idea why. It didn't do it with any other letters, and if I backspaced, it deleted both the A and the X. Unfortunately, A is a letter I happen to use with relative frequency. I literally could not get past the first letter of my name before I was stuck.

So I spent a lot of time at the computer lab throughout college. And when my sisters went to school, they both got real laptops. And eventually so did I. And now I've blown up two laptops and a desktop computer, so in hindsight, that thing probably didn't stand a chance.

Oh, and the Soviet Union doesn't exist anymore either. Isn't evolution great?

This one's doing it too!

Thanking the older officer, the excited officer tried not to gun the engine.

How do writers look at this and think, "Damn, I'm a genius"? There's no word other than "officer" that you could have used for one of these?

Like a fucking pronoun? Just a suggestion.

Fonts

Is Courier New, like, a thing? I mean, really. Almost all of the books I've edited in the past few months have been written in Courier New, and I find this impossible to read, especially when double spaced in long paragraphs. Why are we all of a sudden using this font? Can someone explain this to me?

Song Titles/Lyrics

"Somebody That I Used to Know" Wrong.
"The One That Got Away" Wrong
"...maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me..." Wrong.
"I'm glad that you're the one who got away." Hey, look at that!

Thank you, Michael Buble, for using "who" and not "that."

Quantifying "Bad"

There's crap, and then there's just bad writing. This is when my job gets hard. It's easy to explain a misused comma or a run-on sentence. It's not easy to explain bad.

For example:

The middle-aged man looked at the young man.

See how this is bad? Right. But how do you explain it?

I've Got Something In My Pocket...

Sentence structure is a fun thing. Take this one, for example:

He analyzed how best to scale the cartons, dabbed his forehead with his handkerchief, and stuffed it into his pocket.

The way this is written, "it" could actually refer to the handkerchief or his forehead.

It really takes away from the dramatic action if you imagine the guy continuing the scene with his forehead in his pocket.

Rules for Writing Fantasy

Thinking about writing a fantasy book? Good news! Here are some quick guidelines:

1.    If there is a vampire, by law there must also be a werewolf. This is the golden rule of vampires.

2.    Vampires smirk. A lot. They may occasionally smile or brood, but don’t even think about writing a vampire who doesn’t smirk.

3.    There is always a princess. Or an heiress or whatever the most important form of royalty is.

4.    Supernatural creatures can do anything. Make it up as you go along. Princess is trapped in a tower? Vampires can probably levitate. Princess is mortally wounded? Fairy tears probably have healing powers. Princess is ugly? Yeah, right.

5.    Names must sound exotic and/or vaguely biblical. When in doubt, throw a –ius or –io on the end of a name. For women, use an uncommon flower, gem, bird, etc. (Oriole, Dandelion, Quartz, etc.)

6.    There is magic. Don’t even think of writing a fantasy story without spells, curses, and magic. It’s not fantasy if there’s no magic.

7.    There is an evil magician. He’s probably old, and he probably cackles a lot. Most likely he casts some sort of spell on the princess in an attempt to take over the kingdom.

8.    Time and location is unimportant. Are you in medieval England, Hogwarts, or Middle Earth? Not important. Moving on.

9.    Someone can fly. This is useful for traveling long distances. Note: “someone” does not include the princess. She can do nothing but be in peril.

10. Teleportation is a must. Travel scenes are super boring. Teleportation is a useful device to skip that crap, and it can also get your characters out of dangerous situations without any logical explanation.

11. People wear cloaks. Regardless of when or where the story takes place, people wear cloaks. It’s so they can swirl them dramatically when they walk away.

12. There’s always crazy shit in forests. Maybe the trees can talk, or maybe there’s an ancient race of people vaguely reminiscent of Native American or ancient African tribes. Whatever the case, some weird shit always goes down in forests.

Action Words

Today I had to explain to someone what a verb is. Seriously. Apparently some people don't know that a sentence must have a verb in it.

I'm going to add this to my list of dealbreakers.

Oh hi, blog

Just wanted to say hi and that I'm coming back to my blog.