No.

Blond (male, n.)
Blonde (female, n.)
Blond (adj.)

No. I'm sorry. Just choose a fucking spelling and stick with it.

I suppose it had to be done

Have you ever been watching Game of Thrones or reading Song of Ice and Fire and thought, "You know what would make this better? If the sex and violence weren't so subtle and artistically rendered"?

Fear not, my friends. Imagine a world in which these works featured not humans but orcs.

Apparently that's what I'm reading right now.

How to use a semicolon

This is not hard.

Semicolons are used to connect two complete sentences.

Take two complete sentences, put a semicolon between them, and voila! You're a literary genius! I'm not sure why this baffles so many people; it's as easy as using a period.

Please get this right, guys. Please.

Allaween

Here's a real treat for you guys today. This is part of the glossary from the book I was just offered:

Representatyional sistem, the internal experience in the 5 sense ; seeing visual0 hearing (auditory) feeling 9kinestetic) tasting(gustatory) and smelling 9 olfactory

Neurolical level The logical level of experience environment behavior capability belief identity and spirit.

Limbic system a complex part of the brain include the hippocampus amidgala hipotalamus

Left hemisphere the left side of the brain responsabile for processing of logical informationlinear info Kinestethik

The sense of feeling tactic sensing physical internal body sensation emotional and esperience sensation.

Hemisphere of the brain referring to halves of the brain separated by the corpus callosum the righ from the left \Gustatory referring to the sense of taste Eye accessing cues, movement of the of a person’s eyes that indicate the representational system used Corpus callosum

that separate the left from the righ of the brain A network of fiber allaween the hemisphere to communicate between the wit each other Auditory the sense of earing

I did not change anything, including formatting. This is actually what I was given to edit. 

Note: allaween means "allowing." No, seriously. 

*Brain explodes*

The room is quiet as both of them sit in shocked silence as a clock ticks noisily.

Seriously, dude. Just read that again. Are you sure that's the sentence you want to go with there?

Page 18

Ladies and gentlemen...

As I predicted on page 18 of The Worst Book Ever Written...

THE ALIENS ARE ACTUALLY HUMANS FROM THE FUTURE!

I, Tarzan

This particular example made me take a break from my screaming and cursing to giggle ridiculously.

"Lieutenant, I want you to lead the way."

The lieutenant gives him a wink. “I, Captain.” 

So does he really assume sailors are saying, "I, I, sir"? He never thought about what that might mean or why that might be stupid? Really?

All I want to feel is the wind in my eyes

I may have to make this book my first total riff ever. There's just so much wonderful about it. Here's another great one that made me giggle hysterically:

She runs a hand through her brown, windblown hair to reveal a set of deep blue eyes. 

Where exactly are her eyes that running her hands through her hair would reveal them? 

Throw Momma From the Train, etc.

OK, we all get this one, right? And I'm not going to share every example of this because people do it so often that I'd just go insane. But for some reason this one struck me as particularly confusing:

He attaches a handmade metal hoop to his head lined with bulky sensors.

After a minute I understood that the metal hoop must have bulky sensors. But who knows? Maybe his head is lined with bulky sensors. Given the writing I have so far experienced with this one, anything is possible.

Commas, my friend

Time to earn your freedom guys!

What's a freedom guy? I want one!

Or you could just say this

When people don't know how to write emotions, they rely on tired, overused, often melodramatic cliches. Some variation of this one occurs in pretty much all bad books:

He screamed in anguish, "Why me?"

Of course, this makes me wonder why we don't all just use this video instead:

It's so much more subtle.

I miss vampires

I seriously almost cried when I got my next assignment. I may not be able to handle this. Here's who the book is for:

I wrote this story for ages thirteen and up but there are areas that might be difficult for some people to understand. Since it is military oriented it's probably targeted more to the male audience and it's defiantly for the science fiction reader.

Military oriented. Great. Because I want to read another book about a fucking military pilot. Especially one that might be difficult to understand. Because he doesn't say specifically who may have difficulty understanding it, I assume he means everyone.

Also, I'm not a huge fan of defiant science fiction.

Here's his statement about why he wrote the book:

My desire to write this story started one night after having a very vivid dream. I wrote it down and named it, "The Hail Mary Mission." I didn't know at the time it would change my life but I was driven to understand how an event could happen. Writing a prolog only drew me in further. Who were the aliens? What happens afterwards? With so many great ideas coming to mind, I decided to dedicate my life to complete it. Some may say it's to short but I focused mainly on quality and not quantity. I also wanted something that was thought provoking, mysterious, intense and emotional. The kind of book you can't stop thinking about long after you finish it.

Oh, boy. Let's take a look at this one a bit closer.

My desire to write this story started one night after having a very vivid dream.

So did you have the dream during an afternoon nap? Also note that very is unnecessary here.

I wrote it down and named it, "The Hail Mary Mission."

The quotes indicate that this is not a book but perhaps an episode of a TV show. Also, let's imagine the opening line of Moby Dick, shall we? Call me, Ishmael. Oh, no, wait. There's no comma there. So why did you feel you needed one?

EDIT: I'm still giggling about this one. I feel that we could insert either Blondie's "Call Me" or that one chick's "Call Me Maybe" here. The fact that I made a reference that connects "Call Me Maybe" with Moby Dick amuses me greatly.

I didn't know at the time it would change my life but I was driven to understand how an event could happen. 

I'm just itching to know how writing a shitty novel has changed your life. Oh, that's not the end of the sentence? OK, we'll add a comma before but and keep going. I too understand how an event could happen. Events happen all the time. In fact, events are happening at this very moment.

Writing a prolog only drew me in further. 

This is what prologs do, so congratulations. Except that we spell it prologue. Minor detail.

Who were the aliens? What happens afterwards?

We also prefer afterward. But regardless, I'm also eager to know what happens after...wait, you mean after the prologue? You, the writer, did not know what would happen after the prologue?

With so many great ideas coming to mind, I decided to dedicate my life to complete it. 

What great ideas? The ideas of misspelling prolog or writing about aliens? And you really dedicated your life to this without realizing you were misspelling the word prolog?

Some may say it's to short but I focused mainly on quality and not quantity.

No, you didn't. You just used the wrong to. Side note: at 60,000-some words, it is to short.

I also wanted something that was thought provoking, mysterious, intense and emotional. 

You know how often I hear these words in client questionnaires? Often. Oh, so often. You know how often I use these words? Stunningly less often.

The kind of book you can't stop thinking about long after you finish it.

You realize this is not a complete sentence, right?

And finally, after explaining how he loves using descriptive words to create an intense, emotional, et. al. story, we get this gem:

I have difficulty writing out how a person would for example, "Worry." Expressing that in facial expressions or body action is quite challenging for me.

Following this is an explanation of how he will not be instituting any additional changes that may be suggested.

I...just...can't.