Title case

Here's an interesting note for you, courtesy of the 16th edition of the Chicago Manual of Style (8.157-59):

For titles capitalized headline-style, Chicago no longer recommends making exceptions for short or unstressed words or to avoid the occasional awkward appearance. 

In other words, no more worrying about which words to capitalize in a title. Just go nuts and capitalize them all.

You're welcome.

Heavy medal

From the book I'm editing:


He had won the GOLD METAL! 


I guess it's better than winning the molybdenum metal. 

Perhaps a comma would make this clearer

Dialogue from a new project:

"Now what would I do with a calendar boy?"

Hm. Perhaps Neil Sedaka knows the answer. Or the Hooters girls. Or feel free to add your own Catholic priest joke.

It's a birdemic...

Actual line from the book I'm editing:


Warmer winter temperatures contribute to the proliferation of the bark beetle.


I need to see the author's picture to see if he wears a ridiculous wig.

I know the feeling

The author of the current book I'm editing describes his target audience:

Some of the target audience will be nuttier than fruitcakes.

I'm going to love this project.

I'll be whichever blonde I want, thank you.

E is apparently too girly of a letter for boys to use. I can't think of a single yellow-haired boy right now, but if I could, he would be blond, not blonde. I, however, am blonde. This kind of makes me want to shred my Merriam & Webster's dictionary. Or at least rip out that page. Or just scream at my computer because I don't own a dictionary because it's free online. You get the point.

Hair causes cancer

Holistic Doctor Guy: We all have emotional baggage.

Me: This is unbelievably boring and stupid.

Holistic Doctor Guy: Blah blah blah... This emotional baggage is the cause of inflammation, pain, congestion, and many diseases, even cancer.

Me: Oh my god you are a moron. Think about what you just said for a second here. Everyone with cancer has (or had) hair. Holy shit! Hair must be the cause of cancer! No, really. That's what you said. I know! Let's take a trait common to all human beings and then cleverly deduce that only human beings with this trait will get cancer. We all have a head, so I guess that means only human beings with heads can get brain cancer. It's brilliant!

Don't even try to argue. It's science.

Snow

I know I'd go crazy if I posted every grammar error or stupid thing the news people wrote, but sometimes the stupidity is just astounding. Here's the weather forecast for today:

Light snow developing this afternoon, but amounts will be light.

If we read between the lines, I think we can assume the snow will be light.

Paging Comma Man...

I'm confused why the chalk should be thanking that dumb blonde kid who doesn't know how to use apostrophes correctly.

Badly

Everyone knows you should say, "I don't feel well," instead of "I don't feel good." This is one of those things teachers correct kids on and drill into their heads. So if the opposite of "I feel good" is, "I feel bad," what's the opposite of "I feel well"?

Obviously, it can't be "bad." If "I don't feel good," is incorrect, "I feel bad," must also be incorrect. Right? So what is it? You wouldn't say, "I feel poor," because that sounds like a financial statement. Sure, you could use "unwell," but there has to be a better word, doesn't there?

It's exactly this line of thinking that leads people to the conclusion that saying, "I don't feel well," is the same thing as saying, "I feel badly." "Badly" sounds much more sophisticated than "bad," and we already know "bad" is incorrect.

Wrong. You lose.

Think about the word "badly" for a second. What part of speech is this? If you remember your grammar lessons back in elementary school, you'll remember that the "-ly" suffix indicates an adverb. "Badly" is an adverb, which means it modifies the verb in the sentence (in this case, "feel"). That's not what you're trying to say. Observe:

I write badly = I am a bad writer
I run badly = I am a bad runner
I cook badly = I am a bad cook

See? Of course, this sounds kind of stupid because the sentence structure is funky, and "badly" is just a stupid-sounding word. Anyway, what you're saying when you say, "I feel badly," is "I am a bad feeler." Perhaps this means you have had the pads of your fingertips removed so you're unable to feel things. Or maybe you're emotionally numb. Whatever the case, I'm guessing this is not what you mean to say.

What you mean to say is "I feel sorry for someone," or "I feel unwell." In this case, the correct word is "bad." I know it may not sound super sophisticated, but it's correct.

I feel bad for you = I feel sorry for you
I feel badly for you = I am bad at feeling things for you

Yes, it's a fairly subtle difference. But this is one that can really make you sound stupid if you use it wrong. So why don't you just take "badly" out of your vocabulary and never use it again.

Thank you. Moving on.

Nothing is funny

Seriously, I know my blog has been less-than-hopping lately, but there is absolutely nothing funny that I've come across. People are just being normal stupid, not funny stupid. This is depressing. I expect a pick-up in the amount of funny in the near future. Please.

Excuse me. Can you be less stupid, please?

Sometimes when I'm editing I want to be like, "I'm sorry. I cannot edit this until you become less stupid. Can you please try again and return it to me when you have accomplished this?"

I suppose this would probably be considered rude, though, huh?

Sigh.

This was funny:

WindyCityParrot.com

I've learned how to levitate birds - classes begin next week

 ·  · Reshare · 16 · 17 minutes ago · 

And then I read the comment:

• Where are the classed being held?
  

  5 minutes ago · 

And then I did a blog post.

Wiki Answers

I know I could probably amuse myself for hours just reading the stupid questions people at Wiki Answers ask, but I just had to share this one:

Is baby powder made of aborted babies?

I really hope that was a serious question. It's much funnier that way.

My productive life

Does anyone find this graph a little depressing?

Perhaps they mean "normal reproductive life" instead of "normal productive life." Or perhaps women stop being productive members of society once they can no longer bear children. 

Time to get a new jab!

Ah, yes. Spelling. The lost art.


Some people say JOB means Just Above Broke. 


Apparently spelling is not required for some people's jobs. Or jabs. Whatever. I tend to use correct spelling for both my job and my jabs at people I encounter in my job. 

I always trust people I don't like

This was a new person, so I have to cut them a little bit of slack. But really, just a little bit. Because honestly, do you not read what you're writing?

Simple Video Tips: The Easiest Way to Achieve the No-Like Trust Factor With Your Clients.

Um, I'm guessing most businesspeople want their clients to like them. Just sayin'. 

Didn't you read my earlier post?

About two hours after I posted yesterday, this came up in my Facebook feed:

Too Faced Cosmetics

‎**CONTEST ALERT** Enter to win 1 of 15 Smokey Eye Gift Sets or the Grand Prize of a $250 eGift Card to TooFaced.com!

Just snap a photo of your sexiest smokey eye look and upload it to the contest page here: http://bit.ly/nOCyiL

The first *DAILY WINNER* will be announced tomorrow! Daily winners receive the new Smokey Eye Collection + Shadow Insurance Eye Shadow Primer + Eye Shadow Brush!!

And yes, if you go to Too Faced's website, they do indeed sell a Smokey Eye Gift Set. I can only assume it makes your eyes look like Smokey the Bear's.

Smoky the Bear

From Urban Decay's Facebook feed today:

Urban Decay Cosmetics

UDers, smoky or smokey? There is a "correct" spelling... Hint: One is the name of the really awesome mascot for the United States Forest Service.


Yes, everyone. A makeup company is irritated at you for spelling "smoky" wrong. I don't even understand why this is an issue. I thought that was one of those common things. We were always taught "Drop the E, add the ___." (-ly, -ed, -whatever). But I guess not everyone was taught that. People talk about doing a "smokey eye" all the time in the world of makeup.

Well, guess what. These people are wrong. WRONG! And apparently Urban Decay wants you to know it. It may be Smokey the Bear and Smokey Robinson, but the adjective is spelled "smoky." So get it right. And probably buy Urban Decay products for all your smoky eye needs or something.

Side note: probably 90% of the makeup I wear is Urban Decay. This pleases me greatly.

That's about what I think of squash too

From a brochure with info on a low-fructose diet:

Squash (this may be troublesome for some; asses individual tolerance)

I guess asses are like snowflakes: every ass is an individual.

Happy Monday!

I just started work on a book project, and the first part of the process is transcribing an interview with the "author." I know this person's name, and I understand how to do a search on the Google. However, he felt it necessary to spell the name of his "idea" four times in the first 1:24 of the file. It's "BEE-ing." Capital "BEE," hyphen, lower case "ing." Should I say it again? I know it's complicated, especially without the internet to help me search for such things. 

Then, when he finally got over spelling his "idea" name, he said this:

"'BEE-ing' (capital B-E-E, hyphen, lower case 'ing') is our play on the word 'being.'"

Oh my god, he's right! "BEE-ing" does sound an awful lot like "being." I never would have noticed that had he not explained it to me! Thank god for this brilliant man and his brilliant ability to brilliantly describe things! 

I really hope this project doesn't continue this way.  

Slow news day, I guess

Here's the main headline from one of our local news affiliates this morning:

Insurer: Car-Deer Collisions In Wis. Dip 1 Percent

A whole 1%? Well, damn. I guess we'd better write an article about such a statistically significant event!

You're fired

If I were in charge, this transcriptionist would be fired:


If you can just deliver what your brand [promises/promise is 4:56] and execute it really well, you’re already such a long way to establishing a loyalty.


You can't figure out whether it's "promises" or "promise is"?! Only one of them makes sense. This isn't difficult. Do your job. Seriously.

Commas save lives

When you're talking to someone, always put a comma between what you say and that person's name. This shows that you're talking to them rather than them being a part of the sentence. Observe:

You look like a cheap French harlot, Amy. 


See how we have the comma to offset "Amy"? This is because we don't necessarily need her name in there for this sentence to make sentence. We could remove her name without changing the meaning of the sentence. It makes it less clear who looks like a cheap French harlot, but the meaning is still the same.

Here's another:

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.


Again, we could take out his name, and the sentence would not change in meaning. The comma is there to signal that we are talking to someone and that Mr. Grinch is not actually part of the sentence.

Here's why you need this:

Hugo: Is this your favorite luncheon meat?
Vorelli: It is Hugo.


Because there's no comma before "Hugo," we have to assume that he's part of the sentence, not that Vorelli is talking to Hugo. Instead of saying, "It is," and confirming that this is indeed his favorite luncheon meat, this indicates that Vorelli's favorite luncheon meat is Hugo. We can all see how this makes no sense. His favorite luncheon meat could be ham or bologna, but it's probably not Hugo.

Of course, there's also this classic example of the difference that can be made by one simple comma:

Let's eat, Grandpa!
Let's eat Grandpa!

Facebook win!

Remember how I posted that link yesterday about responses to stupid Facebook posts? This one should be on there.

What the hell is punctuation day??? My planner says its tomorrow. Please someone tell me what it is lol

 ·  · Reshare · 14 minutes ago via mobile · Privacy:

• • 
    

     What the hell is punctuation day? My planner says it's tomorrow. Please, someone tell me what it is.
    
    There ya go ;)

Totally makes my day.

It makes science sense, I guess

This was all me and evidence of why transcriptionists should proof their work:


I was wearing myself out and acidiphying my body.


"Acidify" is definitely a word. I guess I thought I should make super sure everyone knew acidifying has to do with changing the pH.

And many more

Okay, this goes on forever, and I know there's a whole Failbook thing, but my sister sent me this and some of them just crack me up. I wish I was just a bit crankier so I could respond to people's posts like this. If you're bored, take a look.

http://www.happyplace.com/3645/the-best-obnoxious-responses-to-misspellings-on-facebook

For the last time

PEOPLE ARE WHO, NOT THAT! YOU CANNOT SAY "THE PERSON THAT ___." THIS IS INCORRECT. STOP DOING IT!


Thank you.

Not a very good teaser

This is a headline from the Weather Channel's website:

Madison Ranks in Top 10 Worst Fall Allergy Cities

Okay, neat. Now here's the little teaser underneath:

The Weather Channel teamed up with the Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America to rank the country's fall allergy hot spots. Where does Madison rank? To find out, read more.

Um, I'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that Madison ranks in the top 10 of the worst fall allergy cities. I think I read that somewhere.

Wrong "your"

From the transcript I'm editing:


Do you want to be in front of your behind the camera?


I know I want to be in front of my behind. 

Waiting at the bush stop

A headline from one of our local news stations:


Prosecutor: No Charges Against Driver After Fatal Bush Crash


This is an excellent teaser because I had no idea what they were talking about. The driver ran into a bush and killed it? Riveting! But here's the first sentence:


Officials with the Dane County District Attorney's Office said on Monday that they won't be filing any criminal charges against a Madison Metro bus driver in connection with a fatal crash last June


Oh, I get it. It was a crash involving a Metro bush driver. That makes perfect sense.


They've updated the site already since I started writing this post.

Apologies for my absence

I've been woefully negligent of my poor grammar blog lately. I apologize. It's been a long couple of weeks here, what with life and stuff.

And as if that weren't enough, now I'm worried about getting raped by my lip gloss.

Free hat!

Title of a job listing:

Proofreader - Free Lance

Any job where you get a free lance has to be good.

The Finland

When you're feeling a little down, there's nothing like an email from a friend to cheer you up. Especially when that email contains this:


Still, the Finland has much to recommend it, and West Virginia appears to have zeroed in on some of the best, said Di Carlo. As for the rest of the United States, however, he is not so sure.


I don't even know what this was trying to say. To be fair, "the Finland" is just too much for my brain, and I'm pretty sure I can't get through the sentence without giggling. So maybe it makes some kind of sense and the laughing just drowns it out. 


I hope CNN never gets editors.

Anti-humanity

Today's nutjob is going on and on about how universal healthcare is anti-humanity. This is because it's communist, and communism never works. For example, China. Communism is anti-humanity. A free market economy is the only fair way. Here's his logic:


I use the analogy that 100 of us were in a plane that went down, and we landed on a deserted island and started society all over. Somebody went out and built a water supply so we didn’t have to walk to the mountains, and somebody built a coconut husker for everyone to use.


Right. Because living in a collective civilization where everyone performs tasks for the good of the community and everyone benefits from everyone else's skills rather than using a concept of money to determine the most important skills is totally what your free market economy is all about. 


I just can't deal with stupid people sometimes. 

Is that really how you want to phrase that?

I'm editing for a husband and wife with a construction contracting business. The husband had this to say:


There’s just something magical when somebody takes what you’ve done for them and you give them something and they swallow. When they swallow, that means they accept.


And the response from the wife:


I also think that is a really nice way to say to people, “Thank you for your business.”


Yeah... 

A thriving business

A supposedly successful businessperson had this to say about the importance of a customer database:

You want to have a database where you have your customer’s contact information.

Apparently she has built her business by creating a database entirely dedicated to one customer. Brilliant business strategy.

Guess what?

One of the things I do is I take recorded interviews that someone has transcribed and turn them into articles for magazines and ezines. A magazine article needs to read like a magzine article, not like a conversation. The point is to get the information across in a neat and concise manner that doesn't sound like you're talking to your best friend on the phone.

I've probably brought this one up before because it drives me nuts. "Guess what" is not a question. It is a command. Just think about it. You're telling someone to do something. You want them to guess. You are not asking them to guess. If you were, this sentence would be constructed differently. It would be something like, "Can you guess what?" That sounds dumb too. This whole thing is dumb. "Guess what" is a filler that people use to bring attention to something else. It's completely unnecessary in written language. "I turned on my iPod, and guess what. A OneRepublic song was first again." See how stupid that looks in writing? That's because it is stupid. Don't type it.

Along the same lines is "You know what?" This is actually a question, so at least there's that. However, it's not a complete sentence. If you think about it, this sentence really doesn't make any sense. What you're really trying to say is, "Do you know what?" However, this is irrelevant because of the aforementioned reasons. This is a filler. It is not ever important to the rest of the written information. "You know what? I think I will become a shrimp boat captain." "I'm not watching the Braves game today because you know what? They're not playing." See how this is exactly the same as "guess what"? It is.

Do not transcribe this. Ever. Do not write this. Ever. It is unprofessional and annoying, and guess what. It pisses editors off.

Boringest week ever

I don't know if it's because I'm totally exhausted and can't formulate a complete thought, but this has been the boringest week ever. There have been no funny typos or grammatical errors, and nothing I've edited has even been interesting. Even the super-crackpot was boring. Come on, world. Could you try a little harder for me, please?

Excited girlish squeal!

On the docket for tomorrow: craziest of the crazy. Here's an excerpt from a previous transcript:

The best thing I could recommend is to go to The Flu Case website. They have all the documents. It would take us hours to go over all the proof behind this and show all the links between the companies and everything. They’ve written up an affidavit and actually filed it in US courts. What I would do is get that information and take it to your local sheriff’s department or government.

Give that to them because, without a doubt, it’s 100% proof. All of the links are there that this vaccine was purposely developed. It’s contaminated. There are factors as far as population control in there. By spreading this to the local departments in your area, you educate them about it. They’re getting calls from the federal government saying, “It’s time for you to act. It’s time for you to quarantine.

“It’s time for you to make sure and go door by door, knock on everybody’s door and say, ‘Have you had a vaccine? Let me see your bracelet.’” If you don’t show it they hold you down and stick a vaccine in you. Those individuals need to be educated, so the best thing that you can do, in my opinion and in most of the people’s opinion out there, is to talk to and to provide the local authorities all this information.

If for some reason I got stopped and they said, “You don’t have the wristband on. Have you had the vaccination?” I would probably just say I’d had it and didn’t know where my wristband was. If they forced me to get it, I would probably still refuse to get it, and then they would load me up in the bus and take me to a concentration camp, and they’d probably just hold me down and stab me anyway.

Yes, this guy is for real.

You know this is going to be good

When the interview you're editing starts out like this:


Today I am thrilled to be speaking with Sheila and THEO, the 12 archangels for whom Sheila is a channel


you know it's going to be a good day.  

I'm not always so negative

This was just too funny not to post. There's nothing grammatically relevant about it. I just see so many horrible news blurbs on Facebook that something like this was a welcome change:


SHEAR THE BEARD: As we close our series against the Giants, we're giving fans FREE haircuts and beard trimming tonight at Turner Field...seriously! Offer valid for Tim Lincecum and Brian Wilson as well

Commas are hard

Today's fun is from Madison.com. That's right. The Madison newspaper website. This likely was in a print article that went out to millions of people. Or at least 10. Whatever the case, these people claim to be real journalists who write shit for a living.

The thing about Owl Creek, it was brand new.


What the hell? This is not a complete sentence. What the hell is that comma doing there? You can't just substitute commas for words whenever you feel like it. That's not how sentences work. Do you see how this sounds stupid? Perhaps that should have been your first indication that something was wrong.

There are two acceptable responses to remedy this situation. The first one is fucking obvious:

The thing about Owl Creek is it was brand new.


See how that's a sentence? Isn't that neat how I did that? It's not magic. If you can't figure out the word "is," I'm very concerned for you.

Here's the other option:

The thing about Owl Creek: it was brand new.


Do you notice how I used a colon there instead of a comma? That's because using a comma is wrong. The colon indicates you're setting the reader up for something. What is the thing about Owl Creek? Intrigue and suspense! This is the purpose of the colon. A comma makes no fucking sense.

This was the opening line of an article. Seriously. That means this person probably read this sentence a million times and still found it acceptable. And that makes me sad.

Word creation

Today's fun is an extremely unprofessional interview with a young man who apparently has made a lot of money in business. I'm embarrassed for my age group. 


The hype of all these product launches is kind of losing its guster.


Oh god no! It's losing its guster? 

Guster - One Man Wrecking Machine (Official Music Video). Guster

What ever will we do?

Why is it always the sad articles?

Why do the news people always fuck up the worst articles? It's always the ones about dead people that end up having the worst offenses. This one isn't a grammar issue but just a stupidity issue:


Madison police Sgt. Bernie Gonzales said the man had been drinking with friends and went swimming about 40 to 50 feet from shore near North Henry Street. Friends soon noticed him missing and called 911. Alcohol is a possible factor, Gonzales said. 

Alcohol is a possible factor? You just said he was drinking with friends and then tried to go swimming. A possible factor? Brilliant detective work, guys.

That would be clever...

These nutjobs I work for often claim to be doctors of holistic medicine. Except a lot of them instead say they're doctors of "wholistic" medicine. Get it? Because they're dealing with the whole body, so they're not just holistic doctors. They're wholistic doctors.


Thanks to Merriam & Webster, here's the definition of "holistic":


relating to or concerned with wholes or with complete systems rather than with the analysis of, treatment of, or dissection into parts <holistic medicine attempts to treat both the mind and the body>


Riiiight. So it's really super clever to say "wholistic" when "holistic" is the real word that means the same word and is pronounced the same way. 


Although, to be fair, they are nutjobs, and there are far more entertaining things I should be making fun of them about.

Her and me

This is actually one of those ones people really struggle with, but it's not so tough once you figure it out.


Her and my grandfather were married for 50-some years.


First of all, you know it's wrong because it breaks my Golden Rule of Editing: if it sounds stupid, it's probably wrong. This sounds decidedly stupid.


A good way to check this one out is that in this sentence, it's essentially saying that two different people performed the same event. You could then break this sentence apart to say:


Her was married for 50-some years.
My grandfather was married for 50-some years.


You're saying the same thing. It's just rather verbose. It also illuminates the problem with this sentence. Her was married? Huh? This sounds like it's some kind of backwoods hick talking. "Her was my best sister-daughter."


So instead, put in a word that makes sense, like so:


She and my grandfather were married for 50-some years.


Doesn't that sound better?

Recap: Important Stuff

Okay, I'm going to stop you here. You with me?

Here's the deal:

People are "who," not "that." 

It's "try to," not "try and."

Got it? Okay, good. We're going to move ahead.

Certifiable

From the background info on a current client:


I discovered a research-based program called Processing and Cognitive Enhancement (PACE) and became certified as a provider and trainer.


So you made something up and then certified yourself in it? You can do that? Wow! I'm totally going to go certify myself in a bunch of bullshit so I sound more credible. 

Word order is a complex concept

Yet another example of word order malfunction:

She read the tags to me inside the sweater.

Ummmmm...what were you two doing inside that sweater together?

There's that iceberg thing again

What's with the iceberg analogies? 

As we all know, an iceberg has about 10% that’s visible above the surface. The smallest part is visible above the surface. The vast 90% or 95% is below the surface. It’s hidden. You can’t see it. Science has shown that it is exactly like that with the human mind.

Who has 10% of their mind showing? Because they should probably get that looked at.

Also, if 10% is visible and 95% is hidden...oh my god! I found the missing 5% from that other guy!

It's funny because it's true

I like this guy. He's funny, and he totally doesn't seem like an asshole. I was watching this and at around 1:45 I started saying, "Please don't prove me wrong. Please don't prove me wrong." I was satisfied with the outcome.

Jokes.com
Donald Glover - Crazy Stories
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jokes Joke of the Day Funny Jokes

It's not funny. This kind of stuff really happens all the time. But I love that he just addresses it as fact. I mean, we all know this happens. Why pretend otherwise? Plus, the way he talks, it sounds ridiculously stupid that anyone would ever do that (which it is). Seriously, think about it.

So guys, would you please stop doing stupid shit like killing your estranged wives or girlfriends? Come on. Where's the challenge in that? If you're going to kill stuff, go for ninjas or bears or something like that. That's what Brian Wilson would do.

Exotic, faraway lands

Groupon really needs to work on their marketing.


The subject line for the email was: 


Your Getaways: Montreal, Wisconsin, Iowa, and More


Yes, folks. You too could travel all the way to exotic Wisconsin!

My new mantra

Words to live by:

The story of Beyonce the giant metal chicken can be found at The Bloggess' website.

Gelatinous blob

This is a great one:


It can affect bone. You can get boneless.


Did you know osteoporosis doesn't just cause bone loss? You literally lose all your bones!

Poop

I see this one a lot when talking about clothes or tailoring, but it still makes me giggle:

He measured my waste at this time.

Jared has aides!

Yesterday was the Orange County Aids Walk.


I wonder what this walk was supposed to aid.

Fed up

I've been sick, and I've had about enough of doctors treating me like a moron. Oh my god. Do you seriously not listen to anything I say? WTF, yo? Yeah, and then you do shit like this and think I'm not going to tear your ass apart?

To help improve the movement of food dow through your GI system:
The movement of food dow isn't so much the problem as the movement of food up.

1. Acupuncture helps food move down the GI track.
This is the one where you lose me. GI track?! Are you a fucking doctor or what?

2. Mind-body techniques to improve bowel function.
My bowel is actually not the part of the body we're talking about.

3. Consider higher doses of ginger. I recommend a product that contains 990 mg of ginger per tsp. Consider 1/2 to 1 teaspoon up to 5 times daily before small meals.
I love ginger. I eat probably 50 grams or so of ginger a day.

4. I would at least explore journaling to provide an avenue to express emotions.
Fuck, really? You're going to tell me to fucking journal? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

No, he was not fucking kidding me. He included a printout about the benefits of journaling and how to journal. I have to say it again. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! This is your advice? What the fuck kind of stupid doctor are you? Did you not listen to a fucking thing I said? I'm a fucking writer! I spend at least eleventy hours a day writing, often while eating ginger.

And this is after the doctor who told me I was probably just swallowing too much air.

This doesn't even fall into the category of bad editing

Before I comment on this one, I want to say that I'm a big fan of Amy Winehouse, and I was genuinely sad to hear about her death. This in no way is a reflection of her but rather of kickass journalism.

The troubled British singer was known for a stirring, soulful voice that was considered a through-back to the Motown days of music.

I seriously want to through a fit when something like this gets published, especially on a website as big as CNN.

Is our children learning?

This is an actual book title:

Are Your Infant and Children Being Poisoned?

My infant are not being poisoned. I are making sure of that.

The clear whenner

We're talking about the outcome of a court case and whether there is a clear winner and loser in this particular instance.


The reason why they didn’t when, even if they felt they got money, is the amount of court costs.


Really? Really?

Step up

Let’s go onto Step 4.


There are three options here:


1. We're in an '80s step aerobics class.
2. We're teaching a small child to climb stairs.
3. We're waiting for our dog to pee.

Some guy

I’ve been learning a lot lately working one on one with some local Asheville artist’s websites.


"Who are you working with?"
"Oh, just some guy."

It's not just our local NBC affiliate!

This photo caption was included in an article by The Associated Press in The Denver Post today:


John O'Brien, registrar of deeds in Salem, Mass., shows enlarged signatures, supposably by the same person and thought to be fraudulent.(Steven Senne, The Associated Press )


In case you were wondering, "supposably" is a perfectly cromulent word. Uncyclopedia says so. 


I hope the AP has embiggened your vocabulary with its choiceful languaging. 

Numbers are hard

Today's editing adventure:


If you picture an iceberg, you realize that about 5% of that iceberg is visible above the surface, and the vast 90% to 95% is hidden below the surface.


In the scenario where 90% is hidden below the surface, where is that missing 5% of the iceberg?

Feedback

I work for a bunch of different people and companies, so I'm used to having to adapt my grammar standards based on personal preference. It pisses me off, but if the client wants to follow AP style and not The Chicago Manual of Style, so be it. I'm flexible.

Here's where I lose it. If you're going to give me feedback on editing that you didn't like, you'd better make goddamn sure I'm wrong, and you're going to want to state your complaints using correct grammar. Here are some of the gems from a recent "feedback" email:

Drooling

Some girls buy shoes or clothes or jewelry or whatever the hell normal girls buy. I buy this:

Isn't it beautiful? It prints 35 pages per minute and holds 250 sheets of paper, which means it took me about 20 minutes and two reloads to get through printing my current writing project. Contrast that with my old printer that held 50 sheets and did about 10 pages per minute (it's a photo printer). See why this is awesome?

Who did what now?

Here's a fantastic title for a seminar: 

The 5 Most Common Mistakes That Parents Make Who Are Estranged

Perhaps one of the mistakes was poor grammar that hindered their ability to communicate. Generally when you have a noun ("parents") and a subsequent description of that noun ("who are estranged"), you don't split them up. When you do, you risk confusing sentences like the following real-life example:

I overheard one customer talking about her dog that was outside with a barista.

You would think this sentence is saying that the customer's dog was outside with a barista because that's exactly what it says, but you would be wrong. The sentence is saying that the customer is talking to a barista about her dog and her dog happens to be outside. I know. It's absurd. But that's why you don't split the noun ("dog") from the description of said noun ("that was outside").

This all goes back to my Golden Rule of English: if it sounds stupid, it's probably wrong.

This is a life

Today's editing project: an academic text about the economics of popular music. Fuck yeah.

Irrelevant information?

I think I could do an entire blog just on news teasers. Here's tonight's:


Plus, a car, possibly linked to a homicide, is located.


According to the rules of commas, we can take out "possibly linked to a homicide" without changing the meaning of the sentence. Therefore, the teaser for this news story could read:

Plus, a car is located.

Now that's a story worth reading.

Today's fun editing error

I’m a descent proofer.


I'm sure you are. 

If you ignore it, it will go away

In the last couple of days, there has been a lot of talk about how Oxford University is dropping the Oxford comma. Madness ensued. The Twitterverse erupted. I simply refused to acknowledge the story.

Turns out, I was right. Further proof that if you ignore stuff, it will likely go away.

I do, however, agree that we need to do away with the, Shatner, comma.