Archaic spellings

I was working on a project this morning and turned to my trusty Chicago Manual of Style for some reason that I can't remember now. It's not important. As I was looking for whatever it was, I came across some very interesting information about the internet. Here's a quick rundown:

"Website" is actually two words and is always capitalized:
I went to the Atlanta Braves Web site to see how Tommy Hanson pitched yesterday.


"Internet," "web," and "net" are always capitalized:
I remember when we first got the Internet. 
I'm going to search the Web for information about Luke Scott.
Nobody uses the phrase "surf the Net" anymore.


"Email" is hyphenated:
Sending threatening e-mails is much easier than making threatening phone calls.


I love The Chicago Manual of Style. It's my bible. But seriously, WTF, guys? Let's try to keep up with technology just a tiny bit. There's absolutely no reason "Web site" should be capitalized and two separate words. It's "website." Everyone writes it that way. You're just being difficult grammar snobs.

My's what?

A real company in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, is named "Forever Your's Jewelry."

I can't even comment on that one.

Funnest

There is no reason I should ever come across the words "funner" or "funnest" in a professional document. Do you know why? Because they are not words. 

Please do not use words that don't exist.

Whiny apologetic post

So... I apparently am less concerned with grammar than I am with sugar. True story. I thought there was nothing in the world that could occupy my mind more than horrific, soulless crimes against the English language, but I was wrong.

I'm trying to figure out what food I don't tolerate, and right now that means I'm not eating fructose or sucrose. Not surprisingly, I'm miserable, and I feel like one of those cartoons where everything I look at looks like candy to me. So don't expect too many coherent thoughts until I have my sugar back. Because this sucks.

You don't know me, and you don't even care

This is how I feel most of the time...except for the Boston part.

My idol

You know who my idol is? Stephenie Meyer. I'm serious. Here's why:

Her books are not good. The writing is atrocious, the dialog is contrived, the characters are unbelievable, and the plots are nonexistent. By all accounts, that should make for a horrible book. 

This woman is rich beyond all reason because of her poorly written books about sparkly vampires. Yeah. Read that sentence again just to take in the absurdity of the situation. 

This woman somehow managed to hit a nerve with millions of people. Her books spoke to people, and she somehow found exactly the right way to engage people's imaginations. She did this despite bad writing and all the rest. Something about what she did was exactly the right thing to do at that time, and she managed to do it perfectly and to the absolute extreme level her audience desired. Just think about how incredible that is.

I would gladly be a terrible writer if my writing spoke to millions of people. Sure, I'd rather be a good writer, but think about it for a second. Who cares if you're a good artist if your work isn't accessible? What makes art good is that people can relate to it and it moves them. I'm pretty sure that perfectly describes Stephenie Meyer's work.

So while I will continue to make fun of the sparkly vampires and yell obscenities at the atrocious writing, I have a tremendous amount of respect for this woman, and honestly, I kind of want to be her.

Yet,

In professional writing, it's never appropriate to start a sentence with a conjunction. Conjunctions join sentences. That's their purpose. In creative writing you can do whatever you want and call it stylistic, but not in professional writing. If you want to sound like a reasonably intelligent human being who has been to high school, don't start sentences with conjunctions.

Here's something I just don't understand. If you absolutely must start a sentence with a conjunction because you are unable to construct a complete sentence otherwise or you think you're being artistic, why the hell would you put a comma after it?

A world without commas

Here's a valuable piece of advice. If you listen to nothing else I say, remember this one.

When it comes to commas, the rule is when in doubt, leave it out. If I'm bitching about the lack of commas and you respond with, "Well, I wasn't sure, so I didn't put one in," I will likely squeal in girlish delight, and all will be forgiven.

This rule does not apply to professional journalists. You're getting paid to write. Do your job.

My favorite baseball player...

http://plixi.com/p/83853349

...is the one in the background.