Fun with Falcor

I have a thing for text-voice software. It started when I was a kid and we had Davidson's Kidworks (the creativity kit that writes, paints, and talks). You could program it if it didn't say words correctly, so of course I programmed it so it never said my sister's name correctly. I also programmed it to put the emphasis on the second syllable of "decade" and then typed JFK's moon landing speech. You get the idea.

Anyway, my new software is called Dragon, and I love it. I can dictate while I'm doing something else instead of having to type everything. This is really only useful for writing, but I do that a lot, so it's awesome. Naturally, I named my Dragon software Falcor. 

Falcor is my personal software. It doesn't work too well when my husband uses it, but it gets me. Mostly. For example, it can't seem to figure out the word "stocking." Apparently I need to really over emphasize the L to get it to type "stalking." Stocking stocking stocking stalking stalking stalking stalking. Anyway, we seem to have figured it out now. Stalking. Good job with that one, Falcor.

I also have the problem that I instinctively thank Falcor any time he follows one of my commands. I'm going to have to go through my writing and delete all those extra thank yous.

Sometimes Falcor also puts in random words when I say nothing. Things like "Hebert," "homework," and "all" have randomly shown up. I do not know why he thinks I would have said "Hebert." This is puzzling to me.

And sometimes I just have no idea where he got his information from because I absolutely did not say "terrific in his face." In any context. And I have no idea what that could translate to. I asked him what the hell that was supposed to mean, but talking to Falcor is kind of like talking to a small child.

Unfortunately, now I'm going to always imagine Falcor with the expression in that picture. And it's fucking creepy. Imagine that saying in a high-pitched voice, "I don't think so, Angie." Nightmare fuel.

Even my own notes ridicule me

Here's another glimpse into my brain. Apparently I wrote this note for myself when I was working on my book yesterday (writing, not editing):

I will have to figure out if she tries to trap him or just tries to get him to tell her the truth. If they have to prove he’s guilty, she would almost have to get a confession. So then the play’s the thing, etc. 

Yes, I'm making fun of myself by quoting Shakespeare. This seems to show both my nerdiness and insecurity quite well. Even my own notes ridicule me. 

I'm horrible.

Girl 8 Dies in Accident.

Not Girl 8! She was my favorite girl! So much better than Girl 7 and Girl 6!

Introductions

Some writers use cover letters, but at my place of employment we have questionnaires we make each author fill out before we edit their book. I can usually tell what I'm getting myself into by whether or not the author can coherently fill out the questionnaire. Sometimes, however, they trick me.

My new book is about cats. Yes, cats. The questionnaire was painfully long and detailed, with questions about marketability and in-depth plot and character analysis. Sounds promising.

The author does not write in paragraphs. It's all one long paragraph with some random spaces in there to break it up every once in a while. She's worried about marketing her book when she doesn't even know what a paragraph is.

Good lord this one is going to try my patience.

Pronouns? The cranky blogger thinks not!

Here's a list of some of the terms used instead of "he" to describe just the main character of the book I just finished editing. Just the main character. And just before I got bored of copying and pasting all of these. Enjoy!

Aviator

Flyer

Pilot

Salty Flyer

Young aviator

Student aviator

Promising student

Graying officer

Confident flyer

Navy fighter pilot

Nascent aviator

Salty sailor

Naval officer

California native

Fighter

Senior officer

Senior flyer

Junior pilot

Junior officer

Senior reserve officer

Navy officer

Relieved pilot

Young officer

Wolfie

Former aviator

Officer

Neophyte aviator

Former pilot

Navy reserve officer

Usually confident flyer

Part-time navy reservist

Full-time civilian attorney

Captain

Resurrected bachelor

Suddenly sheepish gentleman

Reserve officer

Most senior reserve officer in the state

Twenty-five-year-old pilot

Forty-four-year-old former pilot

Perpetual bachelor

Soon-to-be fighter pilot

Partygoer

Nervous pilot

Promising fighter pilot

Astutely diplomatic pilot

Newly anointed Tomcat carrier pilot

Usually confident officer

Experienced aviator

Young lieutenant

New shell-back

Things you shouldn't write about

For the next two hours, he was subjected to obstacles and behavior only described as indescribable.

Seriously? Do you not understand how stupid that sounds? You're writing a book. If you can't describe the stuff you're writing about, probably you should consider not writing a book. Or at least pretend you can describe it and use stupid and offensive analogies.

Like a what now?

Came across this stunner in my newest book:

The plane streaked upward like a raped ape.

Okay, now this guy seriously has problems with similes. I knew that already. It's like he just chooses random things and sticks them together with the word "like" in there. They usually make little to no sense.

But what the hell is this? Is this a thing?

Well, according to Urban Dictionary, a "raped ape" is something that goes wicked freakin fast. So apparently this is something people say. No, really. Someone must say it.

Which brings me to my next question. Wait. What?

I can only hope this is exclusive to whatever lovely neighborhood in Boston that Urban Dictionary entry came from.

And no, this is not one of those things that will be really funny to say to me the next time you see me. Do not say it. Ever. In fact, forget about this post altogether.

Little did he know...

In the movie Stranger Than Fiction, the literature professor (Dustin Hoffman) says, "I've written papers on 'little did he know.' I've taught classes on 'little did he know.' I once gave an entire seminar based upon 'little did he know.'"

Now. Lest you were thinking this was serious and you should actually use this phrase, let's remember three things:

1. This movie stars Will Ferrell.
2. In this movie, Will Ferrell brings flours to a girl who works at a bakery.
3. Dustin Hoffman is both Captain Hook and an excellent driver.

You should probably have stopped reading after my first point there, which should have been enough to convince you.

"Little did he know" is basically the epitome of bad writing. Please don't do it. Please. You might as well just write, "HEY EVERYBODY, I'M ABOUT TO FORESHADOW!" It would be about as subtle.

True story

When I started college I had no money. But my mom's company was getting rid of all their old computer equipment, so I found myself with a bright, shiny, new...okay, it was none of those things. It was a 1990 Toshiba laptop. Yeah, just think about that. When this computer was made, the Soviet Union still existed. I was probably not even in elementary school yet. It was ancient. I had no idea they even made laptops back then.

Anyway, the laptop was that grayish-beige color that computers all used to be, and it actually wasn't very big at all. Maybe 14 or 15 inches? It was very square and had no internal memory whatsoever. You had to use the external disk drive (which was revolutionary in that it took 3.5-inch disks) to even get it to work. But again, I was young and poor, so I was totally cool using it.

Here's where the real problem came in. Seriously, it worked okay, and I could have probably made it through college with that and the computer lab, but there was one major flaw that popped up before I could even type one paper on it:

Instead of typing a it typed ax. Every time. No idea why. It didn't do it with any other letters, and if I backspaced, it deleted both the A and the X. Unfortunately, A is a letter I happen to use with relative frequency. I literally could not get past the first letter of my name before I was stuck.

So I spent a lot of time at the computer lab throughout college. And when my sisters went to school, they both got real laptops. And eventually so did I. And now I've blown up two laptops and a desktop computer, so in hindsight, that thing probably didn't stand a chance.

Oh, and the Soviet Union doesn't exist anymore either. Isn't evolution great?

This one's doing it too!

Thanking the older officer, the excited officer tried not to gun the engine.

How do writers look at this and think, "Damn, I'm a genius"? There's no word other than "officer" that you could have used for one of these?

Like a fucking pronoun? Just a suggestion.

Fonts

Is Courier New, like, a thing? I mean, really. Almost all of the books I've edited in the past few months have been written in Courier New, and I find this impossible to read, especially when double spaced in long paragraphs. Why are we all of a sudden using this font? Can someone explain this to me?

Song Titles/Lyrics

"Somebody That I Used to Know" Wrong.
"The One That Got Away" Wrong
"...maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me..." Wrong.
"I'm glad that you're the one who got away." Hey, look at that!

Thank you, Michael Buble, for using "who" and not "that."