Trending...

Justin Bieber Turns Himself Into Toronto Police

This is currently trending according to my Facebook page, and I see why! How did he turn himself into a police officer? That's like magic!

Oh...he turned himself in to the Toronto Police. Because he's an asshole and he assaulted someone. Hm. That's much less magical.

Channel Number Five

Chanel No. 5:

Channel Number Five:

So your grandmother smelled like inexcusably bad writing and journalism?

Picture this

He lifted his two legs, one at a time, as he walked from the car, through the gate, down the sidewalk, and up to the back steps of the house.

She does then detail walking up the stairs and through the door into the house, if you were wondering.

But seriously, picture him lifting his two legs two at a time. Way funnier, right?
 

I wrote knowingly

For some reason the word knowingly drives me nuts. In general, any word ending in -ingly is irritating. It's already an adjective. Why must you make it an adverb? There have to be other adverbs in the English language. Pick one of those.

Anyway, knowingly is especially annoying to me, mostly because it usually means nothing.

"I like ice cream," I said.
"Ice cream is delicious," he replied knowingly.

It doesn't tell you anything about how he said it. Does it mean he was confident or smug? Those are descriptions. Knowing is not a descriptive description.

For some reason I become especially irritated by the phrase smiled knowingly. Any time I read something like she smiled knowingly, I want to punch her in the face, whether or not I know who she is or if it's even possible to punch her in the face.

There's nothing inherently wrong with it. It's just annoying.

Things you don't need to say

"Pass me the milk," I said, gesturing to the milk.

Because if you hadn't told us what you were gesturing to, we never would have guessed.

Why I can't finish my own book

Here's why. This is a quote from a client questionnaire:

I write from a perspective of being 100% in a given moment as if it I were experiencing it so the emotional content is pretty raw whether humor, drama, pain, sadness. I want the reader to experience this as I have written it so it's conveyed properly but I am open to advice.

Now here are some examples of experiences of raw sadness as he has written them (note: these are the full examples. They are not part of longer descriptions):

Tears poured down his cheeks.

Tears rolled down his face.

Tears flowed from her eyes.

Tears streamed down his face.

Tears rolled down her cheeks.

It upsets me greatly that this person truly believes these examples are properly conveyed expressions of raw emotional content. It makes me wonder: is the stuff I'm proudest of really this bad? And if so, what about the other 99% that I think sucks?

Oh, and I do realize there are grammatical errors in the author's note. Don't even get me started.

This is a post that will be posted on my blog so people who read my blog can read it

"I suspect she holds answers to questions that we need answered."

I don't know if it's because it's the end of the day or what, but if I see another sentence like this, it's possible I will cry. This one technically circles itself three times. 

I suspect she holds answers. You don't even need to say "questions" because "answers" infers questions were asked.

I suspect she holds answers to questions. OK, I'll give you a break this one, even though you're technically saying the same thing twice. 

I suspect she holds answers to questions that we need answered. Fuck you. Now you're just wasting words. 

Hangers

Hangar: a thing you put planes in

Hanger: a thing you hang coats on

I'm guessing you didn't really mean "hanger bay." Right?

Cut to a picture of little airplanes on hangers in someone's closet.

Punctuation?

"They're most likely coming to hurt or kill you and I got it"

Why bother with pesky punctuation marks? There's no chance this sentence could be interpreted any other way than exactly how the writer meant it:

"They're most likely coming to hurt or kill you, and I got it."

Right? 

WRONG! The writer has not limited himself to punctuation issues in this sentence. What he really means is:

"They're most likely coming to hurt or kill you and I. Got it?"

But of course this is wrong as well. So the sentence should really say:

"They're most likely coming to hurt or kill you and me. Got it?"

And even this is sticky and somewhat convoluted. 

The moral? Use punctuation or your editors won't know what the hell you're trying to say. Also, be a better writer. 

Word choice, guys. Word choice

 His actions most likely saved the ship and crew from certain death.

Do you see why this is stupid? His actions most likely saved the ship and crew from certain death? 

And don't even get me started on how this should have been past perfect instead of past tense.