Description by omission

I guess I can  understand now why this author does all her descriptions in place of pronouns rather than as part of the narrative. Check this out:

"This must be important to you," he said, not unkindly.

Um, that's not actually a description. That's like if someone said, "What do you look like?" and I replied, "Well, I don't have black hair, my eyes aren't yellow, and I'm certainly not a narwhal." I'm pretty sure a sketch artist would have a hell of a time figuring out what I look like from that description.

Ew.

It seems bad writers really like to write about sex, which means I've edited a lot of really bad sex scenes. Usually it's just a bunch of talk about manhoods and womanhoods and throbbing members and speaking huskily to one another. That left me with a lot of hope for this book, in which there are no manhooods or throbbing members. But this author really just takes the ick to another level. I'm not sure if it's the use of passive voice or the omission of most pronouns or possibly just the awful choice of words, but this has to be the most disgusting sex scene I've ever read. I'd like to just include the entire thing, but that's probably rude or illegal or something. So here are some highlights:

She feasted on her neck. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. I've read plenty of vampire romance novels that use the same terminology. But the fact that the author must say feasted when what she probably means is kissed or potentially sucked is pretty much a bad sign of things to come.

Two deep pools of want urging her on. There is no indication what body part this refers to. While I assume it means her eyes, for some reason it reminds me of my high school softball coach telling us we were swimming in the cesspool of mediocrity. I assume a deep pool of want is much like a cesspool of mediocrity.

She worshipped both breasts. Again, word choice. This makes me think she was probably chanting "We're not worthy" and doing the whole Wayne's World thing.

A soft mound. Apparently this means her breast. Yeah, I was surprised too.

Cupped her mound. Apparently this does not mean her breast. So it turns out mound can refer to any slight protrusion on the body. No word on if this is unisex or not.

She deposited her precious load on the bed. This is a lesbian sex scene. There will be no depositing of loads.

She was deposited tenderly on the bed. Oh, so we're going to stick with that one, huh?

The CEO felt a hand slither around her thigh. Slither? 

The buttock was cupped firmly. See, passive is just weird here. Also, buttock is about the least sexy term ever, especially when used in the singular.

Using her hands to mold and massage buttocks on her journey. See? Really not sexy. Also, whose buttocks? The idea of disembodied buttocks is even less sexy.

Questing fingers found their sensitive target. Whose fingers? And are those adjectives really necessary? 

Engorged bundle of nerves. Ugh, I take it back. There is a less sexy term than buttock. Also, fun fact: nerves and blood vessels are two different things.

Viscose-like moisture. Ew. Just ew. Also, viscous is totally a word.

Her lover’s folds were glistening with her desire. Seriously, is there no other way to put this that doesn't sound disgusting?

Between the blonde’s folds. Nope. Folds is just inherently a gross word.

She slid her fingertip into her warmth. This might be worse than folds. OK, maybe not, but still. Ew.

She plunged slowly. I get what she's saying here, but I just feel like the lack of manhood could have meant the avoidance of words like plunged.

Feeling the tight canal. A man. A plan. A canal. Panama. Oh, except there's no man. And canal is not a word I will be able to use in civilized conversation again.

Without releasing her delicious treat from her mouth. I have no idea what this refers to, but for sure some body part currently in my possession is being compared to a headless rodent or possibly one of those Beggin' Strips things.

This irresistible treat. Why does she keep using the word treat? What does that even mean? 

This heavenly task. Stop with the adjectives! They're weird. And for some reason the repeated use of the word this really freaks me out too.

Drank in the taste of her lover’s liquid heat. 

So anyway, that's my day. How are you?

How to be descriptive

Here's a fantastic example of how to write emotions*:

Anger, agony, shame, hope, and finally devastation came across the weary face.

Because listing generic emotions totally convinces me of what the character is feeling and paints a vivid mental picture of how this particular character demonstrates these emotions.

*This is sarcasm. This is actually a hideously awful example.

I seriously want to reach through my computer screen and punch someone

The tall woman grinned at the sheepish grin the blonde gave her.

No, really. That's a real line I just read.

I should be laughing...

This should be funny to me, but I just feel sort of empty inside. Perhaps I've become desensitized. 

“Great!” the bouncy tower of womanhood grinned.

Honestly, I was more frustrated by the fact that grinned is not actually a speaker tag. It's like the words bouncy tower of womanhood don't even faze me anymore.

Synonyms for said

Smirked is not a synonym for said. Nor is grinned, smiled, or winked. You cannot smirk, grin, smile, or wink a word. Go ahead. Try it.

And no, "But Stephenie Meyer did it," is not ever a valid reason for anything. Ever.

Dashed hopes

Whenever I get a new project, I get this little rush of excitement. Maybe this will be a good one! Maybe this time I won't get mad and scream at the computer monitor for two weeks straight! Then when I read the client questionnaire and it's written in complete sentences and includes legitimate questions and concerns about the book, I get even more excited.

And then I open the file and briefly scroll to a couple of different pages throughout the book, just to get an idea of what I'm looking at.

That, my friends, is when my hopes are dashed on the rocks like a thing that is dashed on a different, harder thing.

A very basic first glance of this one includes one of the characters being referred to as:

the tall woman
the brunette
the CEO
the six-foot-tall woman
the brave woman

Yes, I now know that my main character is female, brunette, six feet tall, and the CEO of some company.

I also know I'm going to hate this book, as it's likely written by someone who thinks she can write because she owns every Dan Brown book.

The editor's excitement had faded like color fading from an old photograph that once had color in it.