Delusions

Here's how my new book starts:

As I get off the bus, it dropped me off at a park. I found myself at the middle of the park. 

Yeah, I realize that's only two sentences. But is that really how you want to start your book? Here's a peek at how much better it gets:

I proceeded into the kitchen, to say hello to my wife. She gives me smooch and hug. I take it and smile, and then hug her lovingly back. I turn her around & hold her from behind & pull her hair back. I start kissing her neck & she starts to giggle. My right hand caressing her butt as my left makes its way to her “love-box”

Past tense, present tense, and progressive tense. Ampersands. Missing words. All of these things are even more offensive than the term "love-box."

Also, I learned this from the questionnaire:

I am told, I have trouble with commas.

Yes. Yes, you do.

This book is going to be a best-seller. It's also going to be a soon-to-be movie. And it's written on pages that are six inches wide with one-inch margins on each side.

This has to be a joke.