Are you trying to kill me?

I mean, seriously.

What inspired you to write the book? To take on a social issue that is sometimes overlooked. That issue was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSDT).

I have to admit he's right on this one: PSDT is very often overlooked. Even when talking about posttraumatic stress disorder, you never seem to hear about PSDT.

And no, this is not a typo, nor is this an issue of translation. He uses this acronym several times throughout his questionnaire, including on the final question:

What sets your book apart? The book does deal with several aspects of PSDT of which I have researched a great deal.

So you researched this a great deal. Really. Because you don't even know what this condition is actually called. So that kind of leads to an issue with your credibility, doesn't it? Or perhaps you researched PSDT a great deal, which is also problematic for a book about posttraumatic stress disorder.

Personally, I'm hoping he did a great deal of research about Privalomojo Sveikatos Draudimo Tarybos.

Another colloquialism gone awry

One of the most amusing parts of my job is reading what people think typical colloquialisms actually say. Yes, we all know the ones like for all intensive purposes. But what about don't lick a gift horse in the mouth or Chester drawers instead of chest of drawers? 

Today's is more subtle, but it entertains me nonetheless. The phrase is for Christ's sake. As in, for the good/advantage/wellbeing of Christ. It's not for Christ Sake. 

Given the capitalization, I can only assume that whatever we're doing is not for the good of Jesus Christ; it is to obtain a specific brand of fermented rice alcohol.

Segue to a Backstory

As she looked around at her surroundings, her thoughts drifted to her life up to that point.

So her thoughts drifted to...her thoughts, basically. Good. Let's go with that. It sounds a lot better than this:

As she looked at stuff, she thought about a convenient segue to her backstory. 

Why do I read this crap?

I have no idea why I read my local NBC affiliate's website. But this one is just brilliant. 

Blackshades, we’re not talking about sunglasses. I'd like to know what journalism school is teaching this sort of grammar. A comma here makes no sense at all. Are you talking to someone named Blackshades? That's all I can guess. In fact, the total opposite. So we're talking about the total opposite of sunglasses. Of course. It's a type of malware that has made national headlines, and is making some people think twice about what they do in front of their computer. Oh, right. Because apparently malware is the opposite of sunglasses. I can see the universe in which that makes sense. 

Nick Davis is an I.T. Security Architect at UW-Madison, and says it's easy for a hacker to break into your device. I love the fact that this journalist feels the need to use commas and conjunctions to join incomplete sentences. That's totally a thing.

"You'll receive an email from someone you don't know, but it will seem like a legitimate email. You’ll click on the attachment, and nothing will happen. But in the background, very quietly the malware blackshades, will install itself on your computer,” said Davis. I'm confused. What's with the comma after blackshades? And should that be capitalized? That asshole Davis must not have specified in his quote.

Blackshades made headlines last year. Complete sentence. Good job. After a college student hacked into Miss Teen USA’s web cam, spying, snapping naked photos and even blackmailing her. Not a complete sentence. Bad job.

"It allows an attacker to remotely enable your web cam on your laptop, or your desktop machine and then it sends pictures to them from a remote location,” said Davis. So you thought you should put a comma before or, despite it not being used as a conjunction, but you didn't feel like putting a comma before the conjunction and. I just don't get it.

It doesn't stop there.Well, I'd hope not. This would be a pretty short, boring article.

“I do all my banking online, like investing is online, I pay all my credit card bills online,” said UW-Madison student, Erin Jamar. This is a great quote. Note how the verb tenses stay the same, and there are no comma splices? Yes, that was sarcasm.

Once blackshades is installed, Davis says hackers can get to those too. So you installed blackshades, and then Davis said this? Probably not. Perhaps there should be a comma after Davis says. 

"You can't be 100% sure that your computer isn't infected, and I always tell people, if you can't be sure your computer isn't infected, you have to operate under the presumption that it is infected,” said Davis. This is good advice about anything. I can't be sure I really exist, so I should probably operate under the presumption that I don't. Or something. Also, presumption?

So how do you protect yourself from an attack? Um...scientology?

Davis says, the best way is to keep two separate devices in your home. Using one to surf the web, and the other to access sensitive accounts. No, guys. The comma should have gone after Davis says in that previous sentences. Here it makes no sense. Oh, wait. That second sentence isn't even a sentence. We've completely given up on trying to make sense at this point, haven't we?

"People need to learn to treat there computers as if they are underneath a public eye, because they are connected to a public network,” said Davis. I'm imagining a very large public eye with a bunch of people standing underneath it. Probably these people have there computers with them. Other fun fact: because does not require a comma. But let's be real here. That's hardly the biggest problem with this sentence.

A good lesson, but one hard to follow, in this complex internet age, where everyone thinks they're not the next target. I assume commas are like government budgets. It's the end of the article, and the guy has all these commas left over. If he doesn't shove them all into this sentence, then he loses all his commas for his next article.

"I would still have that invincible mentality. You know, it's not going to happen to me, it hasn't happened to anyone I know, even though it's obviously not true,” said Jamar. I don't know the point of this. Did this happen to Jamar? The article didn't say anything about her. In fact, the article didn't really say anything about anything. Here. I'll rewrite it for you.

Blackshades is a computer virus. It is bad.

I'm brilliant.

Subtle

"The weatherman said a storm is coming soon. He’s probably right. I wonder how long it will last." It was a dry comment in spite of the dark clouds that formed along the skyline. She wasn’t speaking about the weather.

Translation:

IT'S A METAPHOR, Y'ALL!!!

Another brilliant questionnaire

I'm not sure there's a single sentence in today's questionnaire that isn't ridiculous. This isn't even funny to me; it's just depressing. Hopefully you'll find it funny, though. At least some good could come of this.

Theme: As the collection of short stories all have various themes, not bound by any comminality. 

There has to be a theme. I get that they're short stories, but you can't just shove a bunch of words together and call it a book. That's ridiculous.

Summary: Short stories that broach many different genres - from humourist to philisophical. 

At this point I'm giving him props for spelling short and stories correctly. I see nothing humourist about it.

Target audience: litary readers

Hm. Since litary is not a thing, does that mean his target audience is no one?

Specific tone, themes, and mood you would like to convey to your readers: Tone and approve varry from piece to piece.

He spelled vary wrong. Seriously. That's more disturbing than the fact that this sentence makes no sense at all.

Who do you envision buying and reading your book: ?

To be fair, I assume this means the writer has realized that although he'd like litary readers to read his book, that's not likely to happen.

What sets your book apart: You tell me

I'm thinking you probably don't want me to tell you.

The fish?

So my awesome new book features this baffling conversation:

"So you bait your own hook?"

"Sure. After all, if one can't bait their hook and take the fish off then one can't legitimately say they fish."

"So you use night crawlers too?"

"Those aren't meant for fishing."

"Sure they are. The fish loves them. Don't tell me you're afraid of them?"

OK, first of all, I can't think of a better place to demonstrate when to use their inappropriately. One is undeniably singular. Their is plural. You cannot say one can't bait their hook or one can't say they fish. If you're going to use the singular one, you need to use he or she. In this case, it's a woman, so it should be if one can't bait her hook and one can't say she fishes. 

Second, your character is a linguist. She should know this. 

Third, this is ridiculously sexist. Yes, a single woman who goes fishing can bait her own hook. Stop being an ass.

And then we come to the really baffling part. The fish loves them. I can't even begin to comprehend why this is singular. I guess the only answer is that she is this girl:

That woman's body is mocking me!

Her body was lean and taunt.

So is the body taunting him, or is that a command?

I'm sure she also has curves in all the write places.

Sigh.

Today's book is probably a mystery or something. Pretty sure I'm trying to solve the mystery of what the hell is going on. So far, nothing.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share this because it's so unique.

Her past, like her shadow, was always with her.

Combine that with using smarted as a synonym for said, and basically I hate you.

Welcome back, I guess

I'm about to embark on my first project in over a month. Apparently the author is just as excited as I am because his book title has an exclamation point in it. Seriously. 

So that's kind of a bad sign. Also a bad sign: his biography.

[Author] was born on a dark and stormy, cold and wintry night in1956, the scene fittingly and fleetingly lit by powerful and blinding flashes of Lightning, almost immediately followed by the deafening rapid cannon-fire explosions of Thunder. His sweat soaked and red-faced mother looked down upon her new-born son for the first time with a gentle, smiling and tender look, and then screamed!

I often debate the appropriateness of swearing profusely on my blog because I feel like I should probably be able to come up with more creative ways of expressing myself. But then sometimes this happens.

Fuck. Seriously. Just...fuck.

Phrasing

The NFL may want to think about rephrasing this one, especially with all the backlash over this issue:

Violations regarding assault, battery, domestic violence or sexual assault that involve physical force "will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense." 

Of course my first thought was, "When can sexual assault not involve physical force?" Then I was momentarily upset. Then I reread the sentence several times and realized what they mean is this:

Violations that involve physical force, such as assault, battery, domestic violence, or sexual assault, "will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense."

That's a bit of a difference.

My brain is numb

My new book features many issues with misused words. Some are homophones, and some are slight misspellings or misplaced letters. And then some are just completely wrong. Here are a couple of the best ones I've come across. I'm going to update this one as I go, but seriously, you should probably read these now.

He was wearing a cut of shirt. I wonder if he's also wearing cut of shorts.

You're going to have to search the chicken coup. I really wish I could draw. This would be amazing. I assume the chicken coup happens in conjunction with gorilla warfare. 

I see you harassing any of those pour little freshman, you’ll have to answer to me. Seriously? How do you screw this one up?

There was a slight breeze blowing, rustling the lose strands of hay that tumbled along past her. People write loose when they mean lose quite frequently, but I really don't think I've ever seen it the other way around. Bizarre.

...he exclaimed, hoping up and down on the Skipper. You could probably hope up and down, right? I'm sure that means something.

With a team of amazing sculptures, we have constructed a representative figure of one of the most influential guardians. A whole bunch of statues helped make this. 

The man represented the principals of the guardians. Remember, guardians: a principal is your pal. 

Katie padded her brother’s back. For, like, a football game, or what?

She thought about it and shuttered. Oh, come on.

He looked out the window at the residence, walking to some sort of normalcy that this city tried to maintain. This whole section was so confusing it took me several sentences to realize it should be residents. Still doesn't really make sense, though, does it?

Within were skeletons draped in raged torn garb. The clothing was super pissed about the skeletons being dead.

Well, I don’t want to be squired. I'm going to squire some vegetables tonight and make kabobs. 

She turned and saw another huge gray rat with bucked teeth staring back at her. I'd try to draw this one, but I don't even know what bucked teeth would look like.

The head of the snake boar down. Snake boar? That sounds terrifying!

It will sound distant, like an echo, so make sure you extenuate your words. OK, now this is just getting ridiculous. Extenuate? Really?

She flayed, awkwardly flying across the deep crevice. Flailed? Splayed? No fucking clue.

She wore an elegant white toga, sandals, and a Loral wreath upon her crown. I'm pretty sure he meant Loreal. 

All data regarding its use was either deleted or never imputed into my memory. Need more impute! 

His expression was sullied. He had mud on his face? Or possibly he was just a big disgrace?

The laboratory was filled with beakers, measuring equipment, cauldrons, pots, potions, rabbits, containers of multi-colored liquids, and glass contraptions. I have no idea what the word should be, but rabbits can't possibly be right, can it?

He tiptoed through the woods with bent knees, pressing the ball of his foot down slowly, followed by his heal. I saw this one coming as soon as I read the word foot. Side note: why is he hopping on one foot?

The comment took her back. Back to where? The future? 

He had broad shoulders, well-defined muscles, and high-cheek bones. Perhaps this means his bones are very cheeky?

She watched his eyes dart, as if trying to think frantically. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he answered whimsically. This is another one where I have no idea what he means, but whimsically definitely is not the word he's looking for.

She pulled into their driveway, and slammed on the breaks. Yeah, saw this one coming.

The floor gave a shutter, and then descended. I know I've included one of these, but I really love the image of the floor giving a shutter. Does a shutter come out of the floor, or what?

It was the same symbol that she’d scene in the ancient pyramid. I just don't get paid enough for this.

She had a splint second to make a decision. Seriously, how is this book not over yet? 

He wore a black, perfectly starched uniform that was decorated with metals. Like molybdenum or tungsten? 

Now, give me the anecdote. Once upon a time...

An orange light glowed through the narrow windows, casting an eerie evanescence. OK, evanescence is defined as a vanishing away. So this almost makes sense. But the light glowing can't cast a vanishing away. Right? So this can't be the correct word. Right? Right?

Plot twist!

Ridiculous news:

She went back to a time when the room seemed much cleaner and more organized. 

So there's time travel.

Import and export of dryads is strictly forbidden on Earth. 

And there are aliens. 

This is getting ridiculous.

Another gem

Summer is busy time for writers, apparently. Or "writers," possibly. At any rate, after turning down the vampire atrocity, I was offered a book that comes from this genre:

murder mystery set in an unusual place with some what initially seems to be fantastic or fantasy creatures, until once learns in a simple style form the locals that others with powers based on technology beyond the main characters knowledge are really involved in what is going on.

So...humans from the future?

Also, I'm pretty sure I told my superiors that I wouldn't take any books from this specific genre. 

Here's the plot of this book from what we affectionately call the MMSIAUPWSWISTBFOFCUOLIASSFTLTOWPBOTBTMCKARIIWIGO genre:

ask for this separately I don't have one here now I WANT THE EDITING TO START

Yikes. I purposely sat on this one for a day before turning it down just to fuck with this guy.

Here's what he suggests for the interior of the book:

A FONT that has been used in fantasy and science fiction possibly scurlock

So your book is sci-fi/fantasy? Huh. That sounds a lot easier than MMSIAUPWSWISTBFOFCUOLIASSFTLTOWPBOTBTMCKARIIWIGO. Just saying.

Also, what the hell is scurlock? Is this a word I should know? I'm assuming he meant the font scurlock, which you can download for free here. Probably don't use this for an entire book. 

And finally, at the end of the questionnaire:

There is a roman background, romans translocated from earth.

In other words:

Humans from the future. 

A poem

I've rewritten Falcor's musings from yesterday as a free-verse poem. Enjoy. It's called will.

will

in will

will

will be as though he will go

you—later he

refer to "try"

try!

and you and you…

will you?

will you?

you will.

is not a great stopper

but you, Dragon—

hi to the words coming—

will.

Phantom Dragon!

I just got a new computer and immediately set Falcor up so we can reacquaint ourselves. When I put my headset down and walked away, this is what Falcor came up with all on his own:

Will in will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will will be as though he will go you later he refer to try try and you and you will you will you you will is not a greater stopper but you Dragon hi to the words coming will

I have no idea what this means exactly, but it appears my speech recognition software has become sentient.

Falcor also resents being called "it." He prefers male pronouns.

This is terrifying.

Tic tac toe

I don't often get good books. That's no secret. But I'm pretty sure my new assignment gives me three in a row of complete, utter bullshit. Here are some highlights from the client questionnaire:

Provide a thorough summary of your book.

Sorry guy's can't summarize a very complex plot in under 30,000 words.

Great start. You can't write a summary of your own book. Well, here. Let me summarize it for you: another fucking vampire book.

Describe the specific tone, themes, and mood you would like your book to convey to readers.

OK, this is multi-faceted. Here's the partial list:

Light-hearted

Seriously tragic

Gothic

Intellectual

Awe-inspiring etc

There 

is tragic love, revenge, horrific brutality and triumph over extreme adversity. 

But wait! There's more! Characters will also be happy, sad, mad, mildly irritated, anxious, perplexed, sleepy, and constipated. And if you order in the next twenty minutes, you'll also get hungry, spicy, husky, throbbing, and smirk. 

Side note: I do love light-hearted horrific brutality.

To which books would you most like to see your work compared? Which author(s) in your genre do you admire?

Author Franz Kafka - the characters in my book are subject to unpredictable horror and tragedy.

Kafka?! You're comparing yourself to fucking Kafka?

Describe your target audience by factors such as age group, interests, education, gender, etc. 

Vampire fans. Millennials (18 - 30 y.o.) Fans of Twilight. The book may possibly turn out to be very popular among girls/women as strong, intelligent women are integral to the plot.

Clearly this author is male. I can't wait to read what he thinks a "strong, intelligent woman" looks like.

Is there a rule you would like for your editor to disregard because you have purposefully gone against convention in your manuscript?

If a sentence which is grammatically incorrect, it's most likely because I intended it that way because the grammatically correct version would seem stilted.

I have intentionally omitted many commas to maintain good flow. I've used apostrophes to keep the readers' flow.

Read that first sentence again. So you're telling me that would have sounded stilted if you'd written it so it actually made sense?

I also assume the use of "guy's" in the summary question is to "keep the readers' flow." 

Or perhaps this guy is a fucking moron. Grammar does not bend to your will, asshole.

What sets your book apart?

There are too many ways to spoil plot twists in this book - there are a lot of plot twists.

I'll bet there's a werewolf. In vampire books, "plot twist" always means there's a werewolf.

What aspects of your writing are unique and define you as an author?

I want them to actually THINK about things sometimes. I also want them to have to look up the meaning of a word - like we did in the old days.

You know what millennials love? Being talked down to. I'm seriously loving it right now. That's right, asshat. Your editor is a milennial. Plot twist!

Description by omission

I guess I can  understand now why this author does all her descriptions in place of pronouns rather than as part of the narrative. Check this out:

"This must be important to you," he said, not unkindly.

Um, that's not actually a description. That's like if someone said, "What do you look like?" and I replied, "Well, I don't have black hair, my eyes aren't yellow, and I'm certainly not a narwhal." I'm pretty sure a sketch artist would have a hell of a time figuring out what I look like from that description.

Ew.

It seems bad writers really like to write about sex, which means I've edited a lot of really bad sex scenes. Usually it's just a bunch of talk about manhoods and womanhoods and throbbing members and speaking huskily to one another. That left me with a lot of hope for this book, in which there are no manhooods or throbbing members. But this author really just takes the ick to another level. I'm not sure if it's the use of passive voice or the omission of most pronouns or possibly just the awful choice of words, but this has to be the most disgusting sex scene I've ever read. I'd like to just include the entire thing, but that's probably rude or illegal or something. So here are some highlights:

She feasted on her neck. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. I've read plenty of vampire romance novels that use the same terminology. But the fact that the author must say feasted when what she probably means is kissed or potentially sucked is pretty much a bad sign of things to come.

Two deep pools of want urging her on. There is no indication what body part this refers to. While I assume it means her eyes, for some reason it reminds me of my high school softball coach telling us we were swimming in the cesspool of mediocrity. I assume a deep pool of want is much like a cesspool of mediocrity.

She worshipped both breasts. Again, word choice. This makes me think she was probably chanting "We're not worthy" and doing the whole Wayne's World thing.

A soft mound. Apparently this means her breast. Yeah, I was surprised too.

Cupped her mound. Apparently this does not mean her breast. So it turns out mound can refer to any slight protrusion on the body. No word on if this is unisex or not.

She deposited her precious load on the bed. This is a lesbian sex scene. There will be no depositing of loads.

She was deposited tenderly on the bed. Oh, so we're going to stick with that one, huh?

The CEO felt a hand slither around her thigh. Slither? 

The buttock was cupped firmly. See, passive is just weird here. Also, buttock is about the least sexy term ever, especially when used in the singular.

Using her hands to mold and massage buttocks on her journey. See? Really not sexy. Also, whose buttocks? The idea of disembodied buttocks is even less sexy.

Questing fingers found their sensitive target. Whose fingers? And are those adjectives really necessary? 

Engorged bundle of nerves. Ugh, I take it back. There is a less sexy term than buttock. Also, fun fact: nerves and blood vessels are two different things.

Viscose-like moisture. Ew. Just ew. Also, viscous is totally a word.

Her lover’s folds were glistening with her desire. Seriously, is there no other way to put this that doesn't sound disgusting?

Between the blonde’s folds. Nope. Folds is just inherently a gross word.

She slid her fingertip into her warmth. This might be worse than folds. OK, maybe not, but still. Ew.

She plunged slowly. I get what she's saying here, but I just feel like the lack of manhood could have meant the avoidance of words like plunged.

Feeling the tight canal. A man. A plan. A canal. Panama. Oh, except there's no man. And canal is not a word I will be able to use in civilized conversation again.

Without releasing her delicious treat from her mouth. I have no idea what this refers to, but for sure some body part currently in my possession is being compared to a headless rodent or possibly one of those Beggin' Strips things.

This irresistible treat. Why does she keep using the word treat? What does that even mean? 

This heavenly task. Stop with the adjectives! They're weird. And for some reason the repeated use of the word this really freaks me out too.

Drank in the taste of her lover’s liquid heat. 

So anyway, that's my day. How are you?

How to be descriptive

Here's a fantastic example of how to write emotions*:

Anger, agony, shame, hope, and finally devastation came across the weary face.

Because listing generic emotions totally convinces me of what the character is feeling and paints a vivid mental picture of how this particular character demonstrates these emotions.

*This is sarcasm. This is actually a hideously awful example.