I'm not always so negative

This was just too funny not to post. There's nothing grammatically relevant about it. I just see so many horrible news blurbs on Facebook that something like this was a welcome change:


SHEAR THE BEARD: As we close our series against the Giants, we're giving fans FREE haircuts and beard trimming tonight at Turner Field...seriously! Offer valid for Tim Lincecum and Brian Wilson as well

It's funny because it's true

I like this guy. He's funny, and he totally doesn't seem like an asshole. I was watching this and at around 1:45 I started saying, "Please don't prove me wrong. Please don't prove me wrong." I was satisfied with the outcome.

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It's not funny. This kind of stuff really happens all the time. But I love that he just addresses it as fact. I mean, we all know this happens. Why pretend otherwise? Plus, the way he talks, it sounds ridiculously stupid that anyone would ever do that (which it is). Seriously, think about it.

So guys, would you please stop doing stupid shit like killing your estranged wives or girlfriends? Come on. Where's the challenge in that? If you're going to kill stuff, go for ninjas or bears or something like that. That's what Brian Wilson would do.

Who's the better hitter?

I'm going to take a rest from hating on grammar abusers for a day to talk to you about a little thing called baseball. Specifically, my beloved Atlanta Braves and an analysis of their hitting prowess. Check out the stances on the hitters in these two pictures from the Braves' website this morning:

ATL@ARI: Freeman lines a double to right

ATL@ARI: McCann hits a double to center in the ninth

On the left we have rookie first baseman Freddie Freeman. On the right we have eight billion-time All Star catcher Brian McCann. These pictures brilliantly illustrate why Brian McCann is a much better hitter than Freddie Freeman (currently, at least).

Yet,

In professional writing, it's never appropriate to start a sentence with a conjunction. Conjunctions join sentences. That's their purpose. In creative writing you can do whatever you want and call it stylistic, but not in professional writing. If you want to sound like a reasonably intelligent human being who has been to high school, don't start sentences with conjunctions.

Here's something I just don't understand. If you absolutely must start a sentence with a conjunction because you are unable to construct a complete sentence otherwise or you think you're being artistic, why the hell would you put a comma after it?

Amount of people

This one is absolutely rampant. I really hadn't noticed it that much until recently, and now it's like everyone is doing it wrong all the time just to taunt me. So prepare to learn, people.

"Amount" is only used with something that cannot be quantified in numbers.

I have a large amount of happiness.

I have a large amount of money.

You could argue that "money" can be counted in numbers, which would be true, except we're not specifying how to count it. It's a generic term, not a specific form of money like dollars, euros, pesos, caps, goats, or whatever other form of money you feel like using. For terms like this, you use "amount."

Brain dump

I'm choreographing a fight using two stuffed cats. That's totally normal, right? Too bad I killed off all my Barbies when I was about 6.

My iPod gets Valentine's Day: "Just the Way You Are" immediately followed by "Fuck You."

Pitchers and catchers report for spring training today!

An actual headline: Flaming Chicken Nuggets to Blame for Apartment Kitchen Fire.

"Will you still like me if I'm not a zombie?"

I'm feeling a little autistic today. Definitely, definitely autistic.

Sometimes I wish I were a high maintenance girl. I'm high maintenance because I'm crazy. But I'm talking about stereotypical girl high maintenance.

Sometimes I wish I were really dumb because then I wouldn't notice when people think I'm really dumb.

Paper is the enemy of nail polish.

Getting all dolled up for Valentine's Day. That means I'm wearing my nice sweats and putting on some mascara.

There's a Grace Potter song that uses the word "beguiled." How awesome is that?

Whoever does Hayley Williams' hair and makeup should be shot.

Keeping up with the Joneses

Last names, like all other words, do not use apostrophes to indicate plurality. You'll see it all the time. Your Christmas cards will all have some corny picture of people you never see who are wearing matching outfits and smiling uncomfortably, and under the picture it will say "The Smith's." 

The correct response to this is "The Smith's what?" because an apostrophe indicates ownership, not plurality. It's just the Smiths. Why would the rule change because it's a name? This is stupid logic.

A rod is playing third

I'm sure this mistake has been made about a bazillion times before (side note -- my spell check didn't pick up "bazillion" as a non-word. This disturbs me), but I just saw this headline, and it made me laugh out loud.

Cameron Diaz Is Back in Her Bikini For a Hawaiian Getaway With A Rod!