Hair causes cancer

Holistic Doctor Guy: We all have emotional baggage.

Me: This is unbelievably boring and stupid.

Holistic Doctor Guy: Blah blah blah... This emotional baggage is the cause of inflammation, pain, congestion, and many diseases, even cancer.

Me: Oh my god you are a moron. Think about what you just said for a second here. Everyone with cancer has (or had) hair. Holy shit! Hair must be the cause of cancer! No, really. That's what you said. I know! Let's take a trait common to all human beings and then cleverly deduce that only human beings with this trait will get cancer. We all have a head, so I guess that means only human beings with heads can get brain cancer. It's brilliant!

Don't even try to argue. It's science.

You're fired

If I were in charge, this transcriptionist would be fired:


If you can just deliver what your brand [promises/promise is 4:56] and execute it really well, you’re already such a long way to establishing a loyalty.


You can't figure out whether it's "promises" or "promise is"?! Only one of them makes sense. This isn't difficult. Do your job. Seriously.

Guess what?

One of the things I do is I take recorded interviews that someone has transcribed and turn them into articles for magazines and ezines. A magazine article needs to read like a magzine article, not like a conversation. The point is to get the information across in a neat and concise manner that doesn't sound like you're talking to your best friend on the phone.

I've probably brought this one up before because it drives me nuts. "Guess what" is not a question. It is a command. Just think about it. You're telling someone to do something. You want them to guess. You are not asking them to guess. If you were, this sentence would be constructed differently. It would be something like, "Can you guess what?" That sounds dumb too. This whole thing is dumb. "Guess what" is a filler that people use to bring attention to something else. It's completely unnecessary in written language. "I turned on my iPod, and guess what. A OneRepublic song was first again." See how stupid that looks in writing? That's because it is stupid. Don't type it.

Along the same lines is "You know what?" This is actually a question, so at least there's that. However, it's not a complete sentence. If you think about it, this sentence really doesn't make any sense. What you're really trying to say is, "Do you know what?" However, this is irrelevant because of the aforementioned reasons. This is a filler. It is not ever important to the rest of the written information. "You know what? I think I will become a shrimp boat captain." "I'm not watching the Braves game today because you know what? They're not playing." See how this is exactly the same as "guess what"? It is.

Do not transcribe this. Ever. Do not write this. Ever. It is unprofessional and annoying, and guess what. It pisses editors off.

Why is it always the sad articles?

Why do the news people always fuck up the worst articles? It's always the ones about dead people that end up having the worst offenses. This one isn't a grammar issue but just a stupidity issue:


Madison police Sgt. Bernie Gonzales said the man had been drinking with friends and went swimming about 40 to 50 feet from shore near North Henry Street. Friends soon noticed him missing and called 911. Alcohol is a possible factor, Gonzales said. 

Alcohol is a possible factor? You just said he was drinking with friends and then tried to go swimming. A possible factor? Brilliant detective work, guys.

There's that iceberg thing again

What's with the iceberg analogies? 

As we all know, an iceberg has about 10% that’s visible above the surface. The smallest part is visible above the surface. The vast 90% or 95% is below the surface. It’s hidden. You can’t see it. Science has shown that it is exactly like that with the human mind.

Who has 10% of their mind showing? Because they should probably get that looked at.

Also, if 10% is visible and 95% is hidden...oh my god! I found the missing 5% from that other guy!

Jared has aides!

Yesterday was the Orange County Aids Walk.


I wonder what this walk was supposed to aid.

Fed up

I've been sick, and I've had about enough of doctors treating me like a moron. Oh my god. Do you seriously not listen to anything I say? WTF, yo? Yeah, and then you do shit like this and think I'm not going to tear your ass apart?

To help improve the movement of food dow through your GI system:
The movement of food dow isn't so much the problem as the movement of food up.

1. Acupuncture helps food move down the GI track.
This is the one where you lose me. GI track?! Are you a fucking doctor or what?

2. Mind-body techniques to improve bowel function.
My bowel is actually not the part of the body we're talking about.

3. Consider higher doses of ginger. I recommend a product that contains 990 mg of ginger per tsp. Consider 1/2 to 1 teaspoon up to 5 times daily before small meals.
I love ginger. I eat probably 50 grams or so of ginger a day.

4. I would at least explore journaling to provide an avenue to express emotions.
Fuck, really? You're going to tell me to fucking journal? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

No, he was not fucking kidding me. He included a printout about the benefits of journaling and how to journal. I have to say it again. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! This is your advice? What the fuck kind of stupid doctor are you? Did you not listen to a fucking thing I said? I'm a fucking writer! I spend at least eleventy hours a day writing, often while eating ginger.

And this is after the doctor who told me I was probably just swallowing too much air.

This doesn't even fall into the category of bad editing

Before I comment on this one, I want to say that I'm a big fan of Amy Winehouse, and I was genuinely sad to hear about her death. This in no way is a reflection of her but rather of kickass journalism.

The troubled British singer was known for a stirring, soulful voice that was considered a through-back to the Motown days of music.

I seriously want to through a fit when something like this gets published, especially on a website as big as CNN.

Is our children learning?

This is an actual book title:

Are Your Infant and Children Being Poisoned?

My infant are not being poisoned. I are making sure of that.

The clear whenner

We're talking about the outcome of a court case and whether there is a clear winner and loser in this particular instance.


The reason why they didn’t when, even if they felt they got money, is the amount of court costs.


Really? Really?

Feedback

I work for a bunch of different people and companies, so I'm used to having to adapt my grammar standards based on personal preference. It pisses me off, but if the client wants to follow AP style and not The Chicago Manual of Style, so be it. I'm flexible.

Here's where I lose it. If you're going to give me feedback on editing that you didn't like, you'd better make goddamn sure I'm wrong, and you're going to want to state your complaints using correct grammar. Here are some of the gems from a recent "feedback" email:

Unforgivable sins

When I'm editing, there are a couple of unforgivable sins. These are things that make me scream and curse and would make me fire these people if they were my employees. These things are worse than misusing commas, worse than not running spellcheck, and worse than riddling your shitty writing with semicolons and fake em dashes. Here are the unforgivable sins:

Sound medical advice

I work for some nutjobs, and that might be putting it nicely. "Alternative medicine" is definitely important, and a lot of times it can be very helpful in treating some maladies. And there are definitely a lot of toxins in the environment and in common products that people use or ingest. No arguments there. 

Here's where you lose me:

In fact, research from Stanford Medical School says that the only way you can ever get a disease is if you are under stress. If you are not under stress, you can’t get sick.

Ha! Take that, AIDS! I can have all the unprotected sex I want as long as I’m not stressed out! Kickass!

Fill in the blank

My transcriptionist couldn't figure out the word that goes in the blank. What do you think it should be?

I would love to say to you that you’ve always got to have a special ___ on the envelope. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. There are times when having a message on the envelope works really well.

I should get paid extra for things like this.

Do do

Stop saying words twice! It does not emphasize your point to say:

I do do that sometimes.

What this does is it makes people giggle and say, "She said 'do do.'"

Awesome news reporting

This is an example of an actual article printed on our local NBC news website. You would think journalists would be able to write at least remotely well, given the fact that they're journalists, but NBC does a nice job of proving that wrong. Some of their journalists have absolutely no grasp on the English language, let alone how to write well. Here's the article (with my notes).


Protestors Speak Out Against Gov. Walker's Proposal
We're off to a great start with a word misspelled in the title.

I've got a confession

Confession: I use "have got" in my creative writing.

Confession: in everyday speech, I probably say "gotta" more than anything else.

Confession: I just passed down the decision to stop editing "have got" from transcripts because people say it too damn much and I'm sick of changing it.

So go forth with the ability to sing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" with the knowledge that while your grammar isn't technically correct, it's good enough.

Just please fix it in professional writing. It will still make you sound much more intelligent. I swear.

Heart you!

What's up with saying "I heart" something? What is this verb "to heart"? I imagine a conversation something like this: