I'll be whichever blonde I want, thank you.

E is apparently too girly of a letter for boys to use. I can't think of a single yellow-haired boy right now, but if I could, he would be blond, not blonde. I, however, am blonde. This kind of makes me want to shred my Merriam & Webster's dictionary. Or at least rip out that page. Or just scream at my computer because I don't own a dictionary because it's free online. You get the point.

Jared has aides!

Yesterday was the Orange County Aids Walk.


I wonder what this walk was supposed to aid.

Fed up

I've been sick, and I've had about enough of doctors treating me like a moron. Oh my god. Do you seriously not listen to anything I say? WTF, yo? Yeah, and then you do shit like this and think I'm not going to tear your ass apart?

To help improve the movement of food dow through your GI system:
The movement of food dow isn't so much the problem as the movement of food up.

1. Acupuncture helps food move down the GI track.
This is the one where you lose me. GI track?! Are you a fucking doctor or what?

2. Mind-body techniques to improve bowel function.
My bowel is actually not the part of the body we're talking about.

3. Consider higher doses of ginger. I recommend a product that contains 990 mg of ginger per tsp. Consider 1/2 to 1 teaspoon up to 5 times daily before small meals.
I love ginger. I eat probably 50 grams or so of ginger a day.

4. I would at least explore journaling to provide an avenue to express emotions.
Fuck, really? You're going to tell me to fucking journal? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

No, he was not fucking kidding me. He included a printout about the benefits of journaling and how to journal. I have to say it again. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! This is your advice? What the fuck kind of stupid doctor are you? Did you not listen to a fucking thing I said? I'm a fucking writer! I spend at least eleventy hours a day writing, often while eating ginger.

And this is after the doctor who told me I was probably just swallowing too much air.

Lay vs Lie

Lay means to set down. I am going to lay the book on the table.
Lie means to recline. I am going to lie in bed all day.
Laid is the past tense of lay. I laid the book on the table.
Lay is the past tense of lie. Yesterday I lay in bed all day.


Confused yet?

Delirious

Do you ever have those things you just like for no reason? I do this with music sometimes. For example, I really love the band Augustana. There is no logical reason for this. I mean, they're fine and all. They're fantastic live. It's just that they're not really that great, and I couldn't give you any particular aspect of their music that I like. For some reason I just really love them.

I also feel this way about the Braves shortstop, Alex Gonzalez. No logical reason I should like this player. I could strike him out. I could get Chuck James to strike him out. But for some reason I love this guy.

My other confusing one is my love of brightly colored nail polish and eye makeup. Makes absolutely no sense. I bite my nails, so nail polish doesn't last too long. I don't usually wear any makeup, and if I do it's very minimal. So why the hell am I obsessed with these things?

Just a random observation because I really don't feel like doing any real work. 

Slim-fast

I fairly recently changed my Facebook status to "engaged," so of course I'm getting hit with a massive number of bride-oriented ads. They're mostly harmless. I ignore them because they're stupid or giggle at them because they're really stupid, and then I move on with my day. 

This morning, Facebook hit me with this one from Slim-fast: "All brides should do this!" Yes, all brides should diet and lose weight before their weddings. 

Okay, I know obesity is an epidemic in America, but so is poor self-esteem. Do we really need ads like this? Really? Every woman needs to diet? Come on now. I know some women go nuts with the pre-wedding diet bullshit, but some of us just want to look like ourselves. 

Thank you, Slim-fast, for telling me that I am unfit for marriage in my current physical state. I must change if I truly want to be desirable. What a fantastic message. Thanks for that.  

Bad Romance

I was at Barnes & Noble this weekend picking up the newest Sarah Dessen book when this caught my eye: front and center on the Teen Romance display was the book Dreamland (same author). 

Um, Dreamland is about a chick in an abusive relationship. I can't decide if that's funny or just really sad. 

Sound medical advice

I work for some nutjobs, and that might be putting it nicely. "Alternative medicine" is definitely important, and a lot of times it can be very helpful in treating some maladies. And there are definitely a lot of toxins in the environment and in common products that people use or ingest. No arguments there. 

Here's where you lose me:

In fact, research from Stanford Medical School says that the only way you can ever get a disease is if you are under stress. If you are not under stress, you can’t get sick.

Ha! Take that, AIDS! I can have all the unprotected sex I want as long as I’m not stressed out! Kickass!

Fun with pronouns!

It's our pals at NBC again! Here's a teaser for a news story tonight:

He's accused of killing her son and mother in a crash. But the suspect just wheeled himself away from the hospital.

I have no idea what this is talking about. Who is "her"? Perhaps that's the point of the teaser: to make no sense so we'll have to watch to figure out what the hell they're talking about.

OMG!

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/03/25/oxford.new.words/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn

OMG, I heart those guys at the Oxford English Dictionary so much!

Good information

From the label on the generic brand Benadryl cream: 


Diphenhydramine Cream has diphenhydramine in it. 


Well, shit. That isn't what I wanted at all when I picked up the tube labeled "diphenhydramine cream."

Brain dump

I'm choreographing a fight using two stuffed cats. That's totally normal, right? Too bad I killed off all my Barbies when I was about 6.

My iPod gets Valentine's Day: "Just the Way You Are" immediately followed by "Fuck You."

Pitchers and catchers report for spring training today!

An actual headline: Flaming Chicken Nuggets to Blame for Apartment Kitchen Fire.

"Will you still like me if I'm not a zombie?"

I'm feeling a little autistic today. Definitely, definitely autistic.

Sometimes I wish I were a high maintenance girl. I'm high maintenance because I'm crazy. But I'm talking about stereotypical girl high maintenance.

Sometimes I wish I were really dumb because then I wouldn't notice when people think I'm really dumb.

Paper is the enemy of nail polish.

Getting all dolled up for Valentine's Day. That means I'm wearing my nice sweats and putting on some mascara.

There's a Grace Potter song that uses the word "beguiled." How awesome is that?

Whoever does Hayley Williams' hair and makeup should be shot.