Ew.

It seems bad writers really like to write about sex, which means I've edited a lot of really bad sex scenes. Usually it's just a bunch of talk about manhoods and womanhoods and throbbing members and speaking huskily to one another. That left me with a lot of hope for this book, in which there are no manhooods or throbbing members. But this author really just takes the ick to another level. I'm not sure if it's the use of passive voice or the omission of most pronouns or possibly just the awful choice of words, but this has to be the most disgusting sex scene I've ever read. I'd like to just include the entire thing, but that's probably rude or illegal or something. So here are some highlights:

She feasted on her neck. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. I've read plenty of vampire romance novels that use the same terminology. But the fact that the author must say feasted when what she probably means is kissed or potentially sucked is pretty much a bad sign of things to come.

Two deep pools of want urging her on. There is no indication what body part this refers to. While I assume it means her eyes, for some reason it reminds me of my high school softball coach telling us we were swimming in the cesspool of mediocrity. I assume a deep pool of want is much like a cesspool of mediocrity.

She worshipped both breasts. Again, word choice. This makes me think she was probably chanting "We're not worthy" and doing the whole Wayne's World thing.

A soft mound. Apparently this means her breast. Yeah, I was surprised too.

Cupped her mound. Apparently this does not mean her breast. So it turns out mound can refer to any slight protrusion on the body. No word on if this is unisex or not.

She deposited her precious load on the bed. This is a lesbian sex scene. There will be no depositing of loads.

She was deposited tenderly on the bed. Oh, so we're going to stick with that one, huh?

The CEO felt a hand slither around her thigh. Slither? 

The buttock was cupped firmly. See, passive is just weird here. Also, buttock is about the least sexy term ever, especially when used in the singular.

Using her hands to mold and massage buttocks on her journey. See? Really not sexy. Also, whose buttocks? The idea of disembodied buttocks is even less sexy.

Questing fingers found their sensitive target. Whose fingers? And are those adjectives really necessary? 

Engorged bundle of nerves. Ugh, I take it back. There is a less sexy term than buttock. Also, fun fact: nerves and blood vessels are two different things.

Viscose-like moisture. Ew. Just ew. Also, viscous is totally a word.

Her lover’s folds were glistening with her desire. Seriously, is there no other way to put this that doesn't sound disgusting?

Between the blonde’s folds. Nope. Folds is just inherently a gross word.

She slid her fingertip into her warmth. This might be worse than folds. OK, maybe not, but still. Ew.

She plunged slowly. I get what she's saying here, but I just feel like the lack of manhood could have meant the avoidance of words like plunged.

Feeling the tight canal. A man. A plan. A canal. Panama. Oh, except there's no man. And canal is not a word I will be able to use in civilized conversation again.

Without releasing her delicious treat from her mouth. I have no idea what this refers to, but for sure some body part currently in my possession is being compared to a headless rodent or possibly one of those Beggin' Strips things.

This irresistible treat. Why does she keep using the word treat? What does that even mean? 

This heavenly task. Stop with the adjectives! They're weird. And for some reason the repeated use of the word this really freaks me out too.

Drank in the taste of her lover’s liquid heat. 

So anyway, that's my day. How are you?

How to be descriptive

Here's a fantastic example of how to write emotions*:

Anger, agony, shame, hope, and finally devastation came across the weary face.

Because listing generic emotions totally convinces me of what the character is feeling and paints a vivid mental picture of how this particular character demonstrates these emotions.

*This is sarcasm. This is actually a hideously awful example.

I seriously want to reach through my computer screen and punch someone

The tall woman grinned at the sheepish grin the blonde gave her.

No, really. That's a real line I just read.

A synopsis of my current project

Here's a rough outline of my current book:

A kid goes to camp, and they eat food. There's a bad guy who eats food, and a cop has some physiologically improbable sex with some girl, which both follows and precedes them eating food. Also there's some baseball, and the kid's probably Jewish or something, and everyone eats a lot of food.

Does that give you an idea of the plot? Yeah, me either.

Point of view primer

Here's a quick lesson for those of you who don't understand point of view.

There are three types:

First person. I went to the fair.

Second person. You went to the fair.

Third person. He went to the fair.

Pretty simple, right? Yes, it is simple. People don't write in second person, so either your narrator is I or she/he/it.

If you're writing in third person, you have some options on how much information you want to give the readers.

Third person limited means that while the narrator is she/he/it and not I, readers only get to know the narrator's thoughts, feelings, etc. Think Harry Potter.

Third person omniscient means that the narrator is its own omnipotent entity that knows all and sees all. Therefore, readers get to know the thoughts and feelings of any and all characters. Think Winnie the Pooh.

Current trends in fiction overwhelmingly favor third person limited. I assume this is because it takes away the ability to say, "Little did he know..."

Now you might be thinking, "I'm going to write a book in third person, so who cares if it's omniscient or limited?" Let me answer that question for you.

Everyone cares.

Once you choose to write in third person limited, you cannot for any reason switch to omniscient. Limited means readers only get to hear the thoughts and feelings of the main character, so imagine how jarring it would be to suddenly get someone else's thoughts. It would be like hearing voices, only in book form. Yes, some authors do switch main characters from chapter to chapter, but when they do, they become limited to the thoughts and feelings of the new main character.

If you are going to write a book, you absolutely must understand the differences in point of view. You cannot write in third person sorta limited but sometimes semiomniscient. This is not only bad writing; it is inexcusable.

The end.

Little did he know...

In the movie Stranger Than Fiction, the literature professor (Dustin Hoffman) says, "I've written papers on 'little did he know.' I've taught classes on 'little did he know.' I once gave an entire seminar based upon 'little did he know.'"

Now. Lest you were thinking this was serious and you should actually use this phrase, let's remember three things:

1. This movie stars Will Ferrell.
2. In this movie, Will Ferrell brings flours to a girl who works at a bakery.
3. Dustin Hoffman is both Captain Hook and an excellent driver.

You should probably have stopped reading after my first point there, which should have been enough to convince you.

"Little did he know" is basically the epitome of bad writing. Please don't do it. Please. You might as well just write, "HEY EVERYBODY, I'M ABOUT TO FORESHADOW!" It would be about as subtle.

This one's doing it too!

Thanking the older officer, the excited officer tried not to gun the engine.

How do writers look at this and think, "Damn, I'm a genius"? There's no word other than "officer" that you could have used for one of these?

Like a fucking pronoun? Just a suggestion.