Delusions

Here's how my new book starts:

As I get off the bus, it dropped me off at a park. I found myself at the middle of the park. 

Yeah, I realize that's only two sentences. But is that really how you want to start your book? Here's a peek at how much better it gets:

I proceeded into the kitchen, to say hello to my wife. She gives me smooch and hug. I take it and smile, and then hug her lovingly back. I turn her around & hold her from behind & pull her hair back. I start kissing her neck & she starts to giggle. My right hand caressing her butt as my left makes its way to her “love-box”

Past tense, present tense, and progressive tense. Ampersands. Missing words. All of these things are even more offensive than the term "love-box."

Also, I learned this from the questionnaire:

I am told, I have trouble with commas.

Yes. Yes, you do.

This book is going to be a best-seller. It's also going to be a soon-to-be movie. And it's written on pages that are six inches wide with one-inch margins on each side.

This has to be a joke.

I suppose it had to be done

Have you ever been watching Game of Thrones or reading Song of Ice and Fire and thought, "You know what would make this better? If the sex and violence weren't so subtle and artistically rendered"?

Fear not, my friends. Imagine a world in which these works featured not humans but orcs.

Apparently that's what I'm reading right now.

Allaween

Here's a real treat for you guys today. This is part of the glossary from the book I was just offered:

Representatyional sistem, the internal experience in the 5 sense ; seeing visual0 hearing (auditory) feeling 9kinestetic) tasting(gustatory) and smelling 9 olfactory

Neurolical level The logical level of experience environment behavior capability belief identity and spirit.

Limbic system a complex part of the brain include the hippocampus amidgala hipotalamus

Left hemisphere the left side of the brain responsabile for processing of logical informationlinear info Kinestethik

The sense of feeling tactic sensing physical internal body sensation emotional and esperience sensation.

Hemisphere of the brain referring to halves of the brain separated by the corpus callosum the righ from the left \Gustatory referring to the sense of taste Eye accessing cues, movement of the of a person’s eyes that indicate the representational system used Corpus callosum

that separate the left from the righ of the brain A network of fiber allaween the hemisphere to communicate between the wit each other Auditory the sense of earing

I did not change anything, including formatting. This is actually what I was given to edit. 

Note: allaween means "allowing." No, seriously. 

*Brain explodes*

The room is quiet as both of them sit in shocked silence as a clock ticks noisily.

Seriously, dude. Just read that again. Are you sure that's the sentence you want to go with there?

I, Tarzan

This particular example made me take a break from my screaming and cursing to giggle ridiculously.

"Lieutenant, I want you to lead the way."

The lieutenant gives him a wink. “I, Captain.” 

So does he really assume sailors are saying, "I, I, sir"? He never thought about what that might mean or why that might be stupid? Really?

Introductions

Some writers use cover letters, but at my place of employment we have questionnaires we make each author fill out before we edit their book. I can usually tell what I'm getting myself into by whether or not the author can coherently fill out the questionnaire. Sometimes, however, they trick me.

My new book is about cats. Yes, cats. The questionnaire was painfully long and detailed, with questions about marketability and in-depth plot and character analysis. Sounds promising.

The author does not write in paragraphs. It's all one long paragraph with some random spaces in there to break it up every once in a while. She's worried about marketing her book when she doesn't even know what a paragraph is.

Good lord this one is going to try my patience.

What kind of cord?

According to this book I'm editing, childbirth is much different in the future: "After being untethered from the artificial womb’s imbecile cord..."

You mean a dresser?

I'm constantly astounded by the things people mishear. There are so many common phrases and terms that people screw up on a continual basis. Here's today's:

He folded his clothes and put them in the Chester drawers.

Okay, I'll admit "chest of drawers" sounds kind of lame. But Chester drawers? Really? That's mind-bottlingly stupid.

Vulgar Grammar

Type "fucken" into Google, and you don't get porn. That's how you know it's spelled wrong.

Actual ad I just read

This was an ad for an under-eye cream, I think. I don't know. I didn't click on it.

"Sure, lines give you character, but maybe you don't need any character."

Sometimes I can't even come up with a snarky remark for this bullshit. It's just too mind-boggling.

Be Brutally Honest

I'm pretty sure this guy doesn't really want me to be brutally honest. Because if I were, this would be my complete analysis of this project:

Your book sucks.

I'll be whichever blonde I want, thank you.

E is apparently too girly of a letter for boys to use. I can't think of a single yellow-haired boy right now, but if I could, he would be blond, not blonde. I, however, am blonde. This kind of makes me want to shred my Merriam & Webster's dictionary. Or at least rip out that page. Or just scream at my computer because I don't own a dictionary because it's free online. You get the point.

My productive life

Does anyone find this graph a little depressing?

Perhaps they mean "normal reproductive life" instead of "normal productive life." Or perhaps women stop being productive members of society once they can no longer bear children. 

Time to get a new jab!

Ah, yes. Spelling. The lost art.


Some people say JOB means Just Above Broke. 


Apparently spelling is not required for some people's jobs. Or jabs. Whatever. I tend to use correct spelling for both my job and my jabs at people I encounter in my job. 

Happy Monday!

I just started work on a book project, and the first part of the process is transcribing an interview with the "author." I know this person's name, and I understand how to do a search on the Google. However, he felt it necessary to spell the name of his "idea" four times in the first 1:24 of the file. It's "BEE-ing." Capital "BEE," hyphen, lower case "ing." Should I say it again? I know it's complicated, especially without the internet to help me search for such things. 

Then, when he finally got over spelling his "idea" name, he said this:

"'BEE-ing' (capital B-E-E, hyphen, lower case 'ing') is our play on the word 'being.'"

Oh my god, he's right! "BEE-ing" does sound an awful lot like "being." I never would have noticed that had he not explained it to me! Thank god for this brilliant man and his brilliant ability to brilliantly describe things! 

I really hope this project doesn't continue this way.  

You're fired

If I were in charge, this transcriptionist would be fired:


If you can just deliver what your brand [promises/promise is 4:56] and execute it really well, you’re already such a long way to establishing a loyalty.


You can't figure out whether it's "promises" or "promise is"?! Only one of them makes sense. This isn't difficult. Do your job. Seriously.

Apologies for my absence

I've been woefully negligent of my poor grammar blog lately. I apologize. It's been a long couple of weeks here, what with life and stuff.

And as if that weren't enough, now I'm worried about getting raped by my lip gloss.

Anti-humanity

Today's nutjob is going on and on about how universal healthcare is anti-humanity. This is because it's communist, and communism never works. For example, China. Communism is anti-humanity. A free market economy is the only fair way. Here's his logic:


I use the analogy that 100 of us were in a plane that went down, and we landed on a deserted island and started society all over. Somebody went out and built a water supply so we didn’t have to walk to the mountains, and somebody built a coconut husker for everyone to use.


Right. Because living in a collective civilization where everyone performs tasks for the good of the community and everyone benefits from everyone else's skills rather than using a concept of money to determine the most important skills is totally what your free market economy is all about. 


I just can't deal with stupid people sometimes. 

Certifiable

From the background info on a current client:


I discovered a research-based program called Processing and Cognitive Enhancement (PACE) and became certified as a provider and trainer.


So you made something up and then certified yourself in it? You can do that? Wow! I'm totally going to go certify myself in a bunch of bullshit so I sound more credible.