Another colloquialism gone awry

One of the most amusing parts of my job is reading what people think typical colloquialisms actually say. Yes, we all know the ones like for all intensive purposes. But what about don't lick a gift horse in the mouth or Chester drawers instead of chest of drawers? 

Today's is more subtle, but it entertains me nonetheless. The phrase is for Christ's sake. As in, for the good/advantage/wellbeing of Christ. It's not for Christ Sake. 

Given the capitalization, I can only assume that whatever we're doing is not for the good of Jesus Christ; it is to obtain a specific brand of fermented rice alcohol.

Segue to a Backstory

As she looked around at her surroundings, her thoughts drifted to her life up to that point.

So her thoughts drifted to...her thoughts, basically. Good. Let's go with that. It sounds a lot better than this:

As she looked at stuff, she thought about a convenient segue to her backstory. 

That woman's body is mocking me!

Her body was lean and taunt.

So is the body taunting him, or is that a command?

I'm sure she also has curves in all the write places.

Phrasing

The NFL may want to think about rephrasing this one, especially with all the backlash over this issue:

Violations regarding assault, battery, domestic violence or sexual assault that involve physical force "will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense." 

Of course my first thought was, "When can sexual assault not involve physical force?" Then I was momentarily upset. Then I reread the sentence several times and realized what they mean is this:

Violations that involve physical force, such as assault, battery, domestic violence, or sexual assault, "will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense."

That's a bit of a difference.

My brain is numb

My new book features many issues with misused words. Some are homophones, and some are slight misspellings or misplaced letters. And then some are just completely wrong. Here are a couple of the best ones I've come across. I'm going to update this one as I go, but seriously, you should probably read these now.

He was wearing a cut of shirt. I wonder if he's also wearing cut of shorts.

You're going to have to search the chicken coup. I really wish I could draw. This would be amazing. I assume the chicken coup happens in conjunction with gorilla warfare. 

I see you harassing any of those pour little freshman, you’ll have to answer to me. Seriously? How do you screw this one up?

There was a slight breeze blowing, rustling the lose strands of hay that tumbled along past her. People write loose when they mean lose quite frequently, but I really don't think I've ever seen it the other way around. Bizarre.

...he exclaimed, hoping up and down on the Skipper. You could probably hope up and down, right? I'm sure that means something.

With a team of amazing sculptures, we have constructed a representative figure of one of the most influential guardians. A whole bunch of statues helped make this. 

The man represented the principals of the guardians. Remember, guardians: a principal is your pal. 

Katie padded her brother’s back. For, like, a football game, or what?

She thought about it and shuttered. Oh, come on.

He looked out the window at the residence, walking to some sort of normalcy that this city tried to maintain. This whole section was so confusing it took me several sentences to realize it should be residents. Still doesn't really make sense, though, does it?

Within were skeletons draped in raged torn garb. The clothing was super pissed about the skeletons being dead.

Well, I don’t want to be squired. I'm going to squire some vegetables tonight and make kabobs. 

She turned and saw another huge gray rat with bucked teeth staring back at her. I'd try to draw this one, but I don't even know what bucked teeth would look like.

The head of the snake boar down. Snake boar? That sounds terrifying!

It will sound distant, like an echo, so make sure you extenuate your words. OK, now this is just getting ridiculous. Extenuate? Really?

She flayed, awkwardly flying across the deep crevice. Flailed? Splayed? No fucking clue.

She wore an elegant white toga, sandals, and a Loral wreath upon her crown. I'm pretty sure he meant Loreal. 

All data regarding its use was either deleted or never imputed into my memory. Need more impute! 

His expression was sullied. He had mud on his face? Or possibly he was just a big disgrace?

The laboratory was filled with beakers, measuring equipment, cauldrons, pots, potions, rabbits, containers of multi-colored liquids, and glass contraptions. I have no idea what the word should be, but rabbits can't possibly be right, can it?

He tiptoed through the woods with bent knees, pressing the ball of his foot down slowly, followed by his heal. I saw this one coming as soon as I read the word foot. Side note: why is he hopping on one foot?

The comment took her back. Back to where? The future? 

He had broad shoulders, well-defined muscles, and high-cheek bones. Perhaps this means his bones are very cheeky?

She watched his eyes dart, as if trying to think frantically. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he answered whimsically. This is another one where I have no idea what he means, but whimsically definitely is not the word he's looking for.

She pulled into their driveway, and slammed on the breaks. Yeah, saw this one coming.

The floor gave a shutter, and then descended. I know I've included one of these, but I really love the image of the floor giving a shutter. Does a shutter come out of the floor, or what?

It was the same symbol that she’d scene in the ancient pyramid. I just don't get paid enough for this.

She had a splint second to make a decision. Seriously, how is this book not over yet? 

He wore a black, perfectly starched uniform that was decorated with metals. Like molybdenum or tungsten? 

Now, give me the anecdote. Once upon a time...

An orange light glowed through the narrow windows, casting an eerie evanescence. OK, evanescence is defined as a vanishing away. So this almost makes sense. But the light glowing can't cast a vanishing away. Right? So this can't be the correct word. Right? Right?

Ew.

It seems bad writers really like to write about sex, which means I've edited a lot of really bad sex scenes. Usually it's just a bunch of talk about manhoods and womanhoods and throbbing members and speaking huskily to one another. That left me with a lot of hope for this book, in which there are no manhooods or throbbing members. But this author really just takes the ick to another level. I'm not sure if it's the use of passive voice or the omission of most pronouns or possibly just the awful choice of words, but this has to be the most disgusting sex scene I've ever read. I'd like to just include the entire thing, but that's probably rude or illegal or something. So here are some highlights:

She feasted on her neck. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. I've read plenty of vampire romance novels that use the same terminology. But the fact that the author must say feasted when what she probably means is kissed or potentially sucked is pretty much a bad sign of things to come.

Two deep pools of want urging her on. There is no indication what body part this refers to. While I assume it means her eyes, for some reason it reminds me of my high school softball coach telling us we were swimming in the cesspool of mediocrity. I assume a deep pool of want is much like a cesspool of mediocrity.

She worshipped both breasts. Again, word choice. This makes me think she was probably chanting "We're not worthy" and doing the whole Wayne's World thing.

A soft mound. Apparently this means her breast. Yeah, I was surprised too.

Cupped her mound. Apparently this does not mean her breast. So it turns out mound can refer to any slight protrusion on the body. No word on if this is unisex or not.

She deposited her precious load on the bed. This is a lesbian sex scene. There will be no depositing of loads.

She was deposited tenderly on the bed. Oh, so we're going to stick with that one, huh?

The CEO felt a hand slither around her thigh. Slither? 

The buttock was cupped firmly. See, passive is just weird here. Also, buttock is about the least sexy term ever, especially when used in the singular.

Using her hands to mold and massage buttocks on her journey. See? Really not sexy. Also, whose buttocks? The idea of disembodied buttocks is even less sexy.

Questing fingers found their sensitive target. Whose fingers? And are those adjectives really necessary? 

Engorged bundle of nerves. Ugh, I take it back. There is a less sexy term than buttock. Also, fun fact: nerves and blood vessels are two different things.

Viscose-like moisture. Ew. Just ew. Also, viscous is totally a word.

Her lover’s folds were glistening with her desire. Seriously, is there no other way to put this that doesn't sound disgusting?

Between the blonde’s folds. Nope. Folds is just inherently a gross word.

She slid her fingertip into her warmth. This might be worse than folds. OK, maybe not, but still. Ew.

She plunged slowly. I get what she's saying here, but I just feel like the lack of manhood could have meant the avoidance of words like plunged.

Feeling the tight canal. A man. A plan. A canal. Panama. Oh, except there's no man. And canal is not a word I will be able to use in civilized conversation again.

Without releasing her delicious treat from her mouth. I have no idea what this refers to, but for sure some body part currently in my possession is being compared to a headless rodent or possibly one of those Beggin' Strips things.

This irresistible treat. Why does she keep using the word treat? What does that even mean? 

This heavenly task. Stop with the adjectives! They're weird. And for some reason the repeated use of the word this really freaks me out too.

Drank in the taste of her lover’s liquid heat. 

So anyway, that's my day. How are you?

Synonyms for said

Smirked is not a synonym for said. Nor is grinned, smiled, or winked. You cannot smirk, grin, smile, or wink a word. Go ahead. Try it.

And no, "But Stephenie Meyer did it," is not ever a valid reason for anything. Ever.

Deal-breaker

If you use the word huskily, I will not read your book.

Lots of planets have a north

Some transcriptionists have a lot of trouble with accents, which results in a lot of fun for me when I'm editing the transcripts. This particular speaker sounds like she's from northern England (but I could be wrong; lots of planets have a north) and is talking about developmental psychology. Here are a couple of gems:

The notion of seeking just a unitary self is actually a full swan.

If you've ever heard an interview with the Beatles, you probably can understand this one. The notion is a false one, not a full swan. I'm not sure what a full swan notion is, but it sounds entertaining to me.

Bonus points for anyone who read that last sentence and thought, "Shouldn't it be full-swan notion?"

I think the bit I’m wanting to move away from is the notion that the child part of self only consists of our cake experience.

I really see no problem with basing my sense of self solely on my experiences with cake. Although I'll admit I'm a little confused how someone could have heard our cake twice and thought that made more sense than archaic in this context.

Upholstery

I think this one broke my brain. I actually had to look it up to make sure it wasn't a thing because I was baffled as to how someone could honestly write this.

They upholstered their firearms.

I believe the word he was looking for was drew. But I see how that could be a tricky one.

Side note: I'm really hoping upholstered firearms become a thing.

Listen to my face

I sat down and smiled quietly.

How exactly would one smile loudly? Does this guy not know the meaning of the word smile?

Come to think of it, I'm not sure this guy knows the meanings of point of view or plot either.

For a while

Ever wondered about the difference between awhile and a while? If you're like most people, you haven't because you always just use awhile. But there's good news. I'm here to present you with another grammar tip you probably won't remember or use! I'm sure you're as excited as I am.

The rules for awhile and a while are pretty simple as long as you don't think about them too much.

A while is an amount of time; therefore, it's a noun.

Awhile is an adverb.

While we all know the parts of speech, this still may not be a very practical explanation. So here's the quick and dirty version:

Awhile is used after a verb.

A while is used after for or another word like that.

Observe:

I listened to One Direction for a while, but then I realized it was crap and turned it off.

They dated awhile, even though she knew he was trouble when he walked in.

See? One word after a verb, two words after for.

Yes, it's nitpicky. It's grammar. That's kind of its thing.

Another brilliant questionnaire

What two main impression where you left with?

1. impressions
2. were

Wordiness

I am astonished but not surprised.

Yes, this basically sums up my newest book. In case you were wondering, here's the definition of astonish thanks to our good friends at Merriam-Webster:

to strike with a sudden sense of surprise or wonder especially through something unexpected or difficult to accept as true or reasonable :  surprise greatly.

This book started out at 100,000 words and will probably end up at about 50,000 by the time I cut out all this bullshit.

This week's top ten most frequently searched words according to Merriam-Webster.com:

1. bigot
2. fascism
3. butt
4. sex
5. culture
6. empathy
7. pedantic
8. irony
9. topography
10. socialism

I guess that's one way around it

It was literally like the wind had been knocked out of her.

By definition, it cannot be literally like anything. It can be literally something or like something, but not both.

I can't figure out if this is better or worse than simply using literally. On one hand, the author clearly understands that this is a figure of speech; the wind has not actually been knocked out of her. On the other hand, it's profoundly stupid.

Either way, it literally makes me sad.

Myriad

Hey, guess what. You can all go back to using the word myriad as a noun. Some people recently decided that it was not a noun but an adjective, meaning you could only say something like:

The new year presented myriad opportunities.

But a quick look into the etiology of the word informs us that, in fact, the word was actually a noun first. So go ahead. Say a myriad of opportunities if you want. Turns out that we're all right. So just this once...

Trending...

Justin Bieber Turns Himself Into Toronto Police

This is currently trending according to my Facebook page, and I see why! How did he turn himself into a police officer? That's like magic!

Oh...he turned himself in to the Toronto Police. Because he's an asshole and he assaulted someone. Hm. That's much less magical.

Channel Number Five

Chanel No. 5:

Channel Number Five:

So your grandmother smelled like inexcusably bad writing and journalism?

I wrote knowingly

For some reason the word knowingly drives me nuts. In general, any word ending in -ingly is irritating. It's already an adjective. Why must you make it an adverb? There have to be other adverbs in the English language. Pick one of those.

Anyway, knowingly is especially annoying to me, mostly because it usually means nothing.

"I like ice cream," I said.
"Ice cream is delicious," he replied knowingly.

It doesn't tell you anything about how he said it. Does it mean he was confident or smug? Those are descriptions. Knowing is not a descriptive description.

For some reason I become especially irritated by the phrase smiled knowingly. Any time I read something like she smiled knowingly, I want to punch her in the face, whether or not I know who she is or if it's even possible to punch her in the face.

There's nothing inherently wrong with it. It's just annoying.