The fish?

So my awesome new book features this baffling conversation:

"So you bait your own hook?"

"Sure. After all, if one can't bait their hook and take the fish off then one can't legitimately say they fish."

"So you use night crawlers too?"

"Those aren't meant for fishing."

"Sure they are. The fish loves them. Don't tell me you're afraid of them?"

OK, first of all, I can't think of a better place to demonstrate when to use their inappropriately. One is undeniably singular. Their is plural. You cannot say one can't bait their hook or one can't say they fish. If you're going to use the singular one, you need to use he or she. In this case, it's a woman, so it should be if one can't bait her hook and one can't say she fishes. 

Second, your character is a linguist. She should know this. 

Third, this is ridiculously sexist. Yes, a single woman who goes fishing can bait her own hook. Stop being an ass.

And then we come to the really baffling part. The fish loves them. I can't even begin to comprehend why this is singular. I guess the only answer is that she is this girl:

That woman's body is mocking me!

Her body was lean and taunt.

So is the body taunting him, or is that a command?

I'm sure she also has curves in all the write places.

Sigh.

Today's book is probably a mystery or something. Pretty sure I'm trying to solve the mystery of what the hell is going on. So far, nothing.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share this because it's so unique.

Her past, like her shadow, was always with her.

Combine that with using smarted as a synonym for said, and basically I hate you.

Welcome back, I guess

I'm about to embark on my first project in over a month. Apparently the author is just as excited as I am because his book title has an exclamation point in it. Seriously. 

So that's kind of a bad sign. Also a bad sign: his biography.

[Author] was born on a dark and stormy, cold and wintry night in1956, the scene fittingly and fleetingly lit by powerful and blinding flashes of Lightning, almost immediately followed by the deafening rapid cannon-fire explosions of Thunder. His sweat soaked and red-faced mother looked down upon her new-born son for the first time with a gentle, smiling and tender look, and then screamed!

I often debate the appropriateness of swearing profusely on my blog because I feel like I should probably be able to come up with more creative ways of expressing myself. But then sometimes this happens.

Fuck. Seriously. Just...fuck.

Phrasing

The NFL may want to think about rephrasing this one, especially with all the backlash over this issue:

Violations regarding assault, battery, domestic violence or sexual assault that involve physical force "will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense." 

Of course my first thought was, "When can sexual assault not involve physical force?" Then I was momentarily upset. Then I reread the sentence several times and realized what they mean is this:

Violations that involve physical force, such as assault, battery, domestic violence, or sexual assault, "will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense."

That's a bit of a difference.

My brain is numb

My new book features many issues with misused words. Some are homophones, and some are slight misspellings or misplaced letters. And then some are just completely wrong. Here are a couple of the best ones I've come across. I'm going to update this one as I go, but seriously, you should probably read these now.

He was wearing a cut of shirt. I wonder if he's also wearing cut of shorts.

You're going to have to search the chicken coup. I really wish I could draw. This would be amazing. I assume the chicken coup happens in conjunction with gorilla warfare. 

I see you harassing any of those pour little freshman, you’ll have to answer to me. Seriously? How do you screw this one up?

There was a slight breeze blowing, rustling the lose strands of hay that tumbled along past her. People write loose when they mean lose quite frequently, but I really don't think I've ever seen it the other way around. Bizarre.

...he exclaimed, hoping up and down on the Skipper. You could probably hope up and down, right? I'm sure that means something.

With a team of amazing sculptures, we have constructed a representative figure of one of the most influential guardians. A whole bunch of statues helped make this. 

The man represented the principals of the guardians. Remember, guardians: a principal is your pal. 

Katie padded her brother’s back. For, like, a football game, or what?

She thought about it and shuttered. Oh, come on.

He looked out the window at the residence, walking to some sort of normalcy that this city tried to maintain. This whole section was so confusing it took me several sentences to realize it should be residents. Still doesn't really make sense, though, does it?

Within were skeletons draped in raged torn garb. The clothing was super pissed about the skeletons being dead.

Well, I don’t want to be squired. I'm going to squire some vegetables tonight and make kabobs. 

She turned and saw another huge gray rat with bucked teeth staring back at her. I'd try to draw this one, but I don't even know what bucked teeth would look like.

The head of the snake boar down. Snake boar? That sounds terrifying!

It will sound distant, like an echo, so make sure you extenuate your words. OK, now this is just getting ridiculous. Extenuate? Really?

She flayed, awkwardly flying across the deep crevice. Flailed? Splayed? No fucking clue.

She wore an elegant white toga, sandals, and a Loral wreath upon her crown. I'm pretty sure he meant Loreal. 

All data regarding its use was either deleted or never imputed into my memory. Need more impute! 

His expression was sullied. He had mud on his face? Or possibly he was just a big disgrace?

The laboratory was filled with beakers, measuring equipment, cauldrons, pots, potions, rabbits, containers of multi-colored liquids, and glass contraptions. I have no idea what the word should be, but rabbits can't possibly be right, can it?

He tiptoed through the woods with bent knees, pressing the ball of his foot down slowly, followed by his heal. I saw this one coming as soon as I read the word foot. Side note: why is he hopping on one foot?

The comment took her back. Back to where? The future? 

He had broad shoulders, well-defined muscles, and high-cheek bones. Perhaps this means his bones are very cheeky?

She watched his eyes dart, as if trying to think frantically. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he answered whimsically. This is another one where I have no idea what he means, but whimsically definitely is not the word he's looking for.

She pulled into their driveway, and slammed on the breaks. Yeah, saw this one coming.

The floor gave a shutter, and then descended. I know I've included one of these, but I really love the image of the floor giving a shutter. Does a shutter come out of the floor, or what?

It was the same symbol that she’d scene in the ancient pyramid. I just don't get paid enough for this.

She had a splint second to make a decision. Seriously, how is this book not over yet? 

He wore a black, perfectly starched uniform that was decorated with metals. Like molybdenum or tungsten? 

Now, give me the anecdote. Once upon a time...

An orange light glowed through the narrow windows, casting an eerie evanescence. OK, evanescence is defined as a vanishing away. So this almost makes sense. But the light glowing can't cast a vanishing away. Right? So this can't be the correct word. Right? Right?

Plot twist!

Ridiculous news:

She went back to a time when the room seemed much cleaner and more organized. 

So there's time travel.

Import and export of dryads is strictly forbidden on Earth. 

And there are aliens. 

This is getting ridiculous.