Complimentary

This is one of my favorite examples ever. A person chose to leave this note to the editor of his work (me):


I know I used both "complimentary" and "complementary" in the descriptions. I intentionally used the latter when I wanted to convey the idea that one item adds to another, making it complete. I used the former when I wanted to indicate that one item made another item look better.

So I says to myself, I says

Like everyone else, I have this horrible habit of getting ideas in the middle of the night and then forgetting them in the morning. Well, this happened last night. I remember thinking, "I have to remember this. I just have to remember it's in the purple notebook." I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I have no idea what I'm looking for. I don't know why I wanted to look in the purple notebook since I already have almost everything that's in there. So either I don't remember my "brilliant" idea, I already did it, or it's the wrong notebook.

This is driving me insane.

Someone didn't do their research

Go check out this website and look at the different products.

I get why the name makes sense. I just really think they should have done a better job on their packaging.

Or am I the only one who finds this funny?

Back in the day

I finally got to use a computer to type one of my novels when I was about 10 years old, which was super exciting. What was not super exciting: 150 pages on a dot matrix printer.

Smooth

Okay, this drives me absolutely insane. The following are words:

smooth
smoothed
smoothing

However, the following is not a word:

smoothes

Oh my god! Why the hell isn't that a word? Seriously! I can smooth something over in first person but not in third person? That makes no sense!

And furthermore, why do I want to use the word "smoothes" often enough that its nonexistence bothers me so much? Can someone please offer a decent synonym? This seriously pisses me off.

Into

Here's a funny example I came across while editing this week:


If any of our readers have any specific questions they can send them into us.


See the problem? Apparently we're taking our questions and sending them literally inside of these people. Perhaps we are supposed to communicate telepathically? Or perhaps "questions" is some sort of either food or sexual reference that I don't understand? That's all possible, I guess, but it's probably not what they mean. What they're trying to say is:

Nothing to say

I've got nothing for you right now. So instead, please enjoy "Apologies" by Grace Potter.

How will this effect my writing?

I once saw a headline that said, "How Does Learning a Second Language Effect Our Grammar?" Actually, this was the title of a paper written by an English education student. If you're like me (and I know I am), this headline made you giggle. If you are not giggling or yelling, "Grammar fail!" then you probably should pay attention to this post.

My notes to myself are so helpful

Here's another awesome example of how helpful my notes are:

Couldn't have been his dad

Unless it is 

I've got a confession

Confession: I use "have got" in my creative writing.

Confession: in everyday speech, I probably say "gotta" more than anything else.

Confession: I just passed down the decision to stop editing "have got" from transcripts because people say it too damn much and I'm sick of changing it.

So go forth with the ability to sing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" with the knowledge that while your grammar isn't technically correct, it's good enough.

Just please fix it in professional writing. It will still make you sound much more intelligent. I swear.

Keeping up with the Joneses

Last names, like all other words, do not use apostrophes to indicate plurality. You'll see it all the time. Your Christmas cards will all have some corny picture of people you never see who are wearing matching outfits and smiling uncomfortably, and under the picture it will say "The Smith's." 

The correct response to this is "The Smith's what?" because an apostrophe indicates ownership, not plurality. It's just the Smiths. Why would the rule change because it's a name? This is stupid logic.

A stone's throw?

What an odd saying. "It's just a stone's throw away. " This is a really boring phrase because it means exactly what you'd think it means and its origin is exactly what you'd think its origin would be. There's really nothing to say about it except for this: who says that?

Also, I'll bet my stone's throw is bigger than your stone's throw.

Heart you!

What's up with saying "I heart" something? What is this verb "to heart"? I imagine a conversation something like this:

Paramore are a band

Are bands plural or singular? This one really pains me because the rules have changed, which creates a bit of confusion on some parts. Usually when you have a group made up of many parts, you refer to the group as singular because the group is one entity. For example:

A flock of birds is sitting in that tree.
A box of chocolates is a really cliche Valentine's Day gift.
My collection of MST3Ks is extensive.
My family is dysfunctional.

Character description

In the notes for one of my characters, all it says is "tooly hair." How awesome is that?

Wait, wait, wait

You all know you're saying "would have," right? You're not saying "would of." That makes no sense. Technically, because we like to combine words to form new, fun contractions, you're probably saying "would've," which is a contraction of the words "would" and "have."

But you know that, right?

I think I should make this 3:30 thing a regular occurrence

Mostly because I just spelled "occurrence" right.

Is not doing something news?

I read a headline this morning that said:

No one is hurt after a vacant house explodes in Kenosha

Really? You might as well have said:

No one cares that a vacant house exploded in Kenosha

A rod is playing third

I'm sure this mistake has been made about a bazillion times before (side note -- my spell check didn't pick up "bazillion" as a non-word. This disturbs me), but I just saw this headline, and it made me laugh out loud.

Cameron Diaz Is Back in Her Bikini For a Hawaiian Getaway With A Rod!

Hi, my name is

Wrong. 

Correct: Hi, Cornelius.

This statement is directed at Cornelius. When you say, "Hi, my name is Cornelius," are you talking to an entity known as "my name is Cornelius"? It's likely you are not. Unfortunately for nametag manufacturers everywhere, "Hi" is actually its own sentence. You're trying to join two complete sentences with a comma. This is morally wrong.

I know everyone does this wrong, and I will not mock you if you continue to follow the incorrect precedent society has set for us. I just wanted you to know the truth. 

Is it just me...

Or does Tony Dungy kind of look like Skeletor?

Oh my god it's everywhere

Okay, so you know how I posted about the whole who/that thing driving me nuts? Well, it's everywhere. EVERYWHERE! And of course ever since I posted it, I've been noticing it more and more. It's like those Magic Eye things; once you realize it's there, you can't not see it.

Who = people
That = things

And this will NOT lead to a Scalia argument about how corporations are people but women are not because that, of course, is bullshit.