Another brilliant day at NBC! I'm convinced I'm the only one this entertains, but isn't that the point of a blog anyway? So let's tear apart another horrible article!
Governor Scott
We're off to a good start. Perhaps this article won't be so bad.
With that, Walker has drastically changed the campaign for the two men fighting to be Madison's next mayor.
Okay. Well, this isn't great, but it's not horrible. I mean, "with that"? What is that referring to? The budget proposal? The changes? Local cities? Or is it just a transition like "anyway"?
Both of the candidates say in the last three weeks everything really has boiled down to one issue and it was on people's minds tonight.
Comma/conjunction. They're pals. Also, the word "really" is overused and really doesn't add much of anything to the sentence. But that's nitpicky
Three weeks ago the city of Madison changed. The announcement of Governor Scott Walker's budget repair bill brought in thousands of protesters and the Capitol Square hasn't looked the same since.
The City of Madison changed what? Pants? Underwear? Wives? Oh, and again, you need both a comma and conjunction. Also, note the capitalization of "City of Madison."
Neither has the race to be the city's next mayor.
This is a brilliant paragraph.
Mayor Dave Cieslewicz says, "This is obviously the biggest thing in people's lives right now and it should be."
Comma/conjunction. Really. How many times do I have to say this?
The incumbent, Cieslewicz, and former mayor Paul Soglin must now deal with an issue that wasn't even on the table when their campaigns began, how to deal with a cut cut in state aid both men predict to be around 11-million dollars if Walker's budget passes.
What the fuck is this talking about? This is one sentence. Deep breath. I'm going to see if I can make sense of this. Instead of a comma, we could use a colon, since we're detailing the issue that wasn't on the table when their campaigns began. Okay. That clears that up.
Now the rest of this paragraph is just utter crap. Here's an idea. You could put the word "that" after "state aid" so this sentence isn't just a bunch of words that don't really fit together. That sounds better, doesn't it? Yeah, then it almost makes sense. One more thing. If you hold down your Shift key and press the 4 key on your keyboard, you make this sign: $. This is a dollar sign. It indicates money, as in $11 million. See how cute that looks?
Just as a side note, I'm also very concerned about how to deal with the cut cut.
Soglin says, "It's really become the major focus of the campaign. We know there are other issues, the voters know there are other issues..."
Argh! Did you forget the rest of the quote? Did you not want to use the rest of the quote? Are you an idiot with terrible journalistic skills?
And just for a change of pace, this time there's a comma without a conjunction instead of a conjunction without a comma. Always keeping me on my toes, this guy.
But there are no issues that come up as much.
This is just a shit paragraph.
A debate held tonight is just one of many both of these men have already been involved in and they say the questions they're getting are also changing.
Commas and conjunctions. Have I mentioned that? Also, changing from what?
At this debate it was question number one
Who needs ending punctuation? I know I don't
A man asked, "I'd like to know where you see those cuts coming from?"
A man did not ask this. This is not a question. You are wrong several times in one brief sentence.
Soglin says he'd start by getting rid of 2 positions in the mayor's office, a communications person and a budget audit person. He would eliminate a contract to spend 100-thousand dollars for a bike share program.
This guy clearly doesn't understand common numerical conventions. You spell out numbers under 10. Since 2 is under 10, you should spell it out. Also, what's the deal with money? Come on now. It's $100,000. See how simple that was?
Moving on. See that key directly to the right of the L on your keyboard? If you hold Shift and press that key, you make a colon. It looks like two dots on top of each other. Because you're detailing the two positions in the mayor's office, perhaps a colon would be appropriate here.
Also, cutting $100,000 from the bike-share program does not mean you can cut the hyphen.
He says, "I just don't think in these days we can afford that kind of luxury."
The luxury of bicycles?
He says he'd also rehire a legislative lobbyist for the city.
This is the best paragraph in the entire article.
Cieslewicz says he's already looking at the 2012 budget, discussing what cuts may need to be made in the second half of 2011 and exploring ways to bring more revenue into the city.
Okay, this is a pretty good sentence. I'd argue for a comma after "2011," but I'll be generous and give him this one.
Cieslewicz says, "And then we'll have the most inclusive city budget process ever. We'll bring the entire community together."
I say, "And then I'll write the awesomest blog ever!" Quotes brought to you by Richard Scarry. And can we stop beginning sentences with conjunctions yet? When you have your own blog about shitty writing where you make fun of people like you, then you can have the creative freedom to start sentences with conjunctions. Until then, you are a fucking journalist.
If Walker's bill passes both men say there will be some reduction in services and they both say the number one priority for them right now is fighting to get changes made to the bill or to prevent it from passing all together.
Uh-huh. What?
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